I've been in a really emotional mood the past few days and the only thing I can chalk it up to are pregnancy hormones. But every time I look at Nolan or he does something super sweet, my lip quivers and tears fill my eyes because I know it won't be this way forever.
I almost feel guilty saying this and I know it will change when Miss P arrives but sometimes how I wonder how I'm ever going to love a second baby as much as I love my Bubba. My eyes are filling with tears as I write this because the love I feel for him is bursting out of my heart as I replay the past 21 months of my life and how much he's changed me as a person. He's given me the greatest gift someone could ever have given me, the gift of being a mommy, and I don't think I can ever repay him for giving me this honor.
I sang him to sleep tonight; we laid there with the soft dim of a nightlight, me singing, him twirling my hair, and him wrapping his arms around my neck and slowly drifting to dreamland. We usually have to watch Baby Einstein or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or something else until he finally falls asleep but tonight was different. It's like he knew I just needed this tonight; a peaceful, special moment that only him and I could share. It was something I don't know if I'll ever forget, no matter how simple or insignificant it may sound to some people.
But that's what being a parent has taught me. It's the little things, the things that sneak up on you and make you smile wider than ever before that truly mean the most. It's them whispering I love you before they fall asleep. It's asking for a hug when they don't want to do what you've just told them they need to do. It's driving you absolutely insane, to the point of tears you're so mad but then having them snuggle up against you and only wanting their mommy. It's all of that, every single second of it that makes it the most amazing thing in the entire world.
I lose my patience at times and feel like a bad parent for it; he pushes my buttons, he doesn't listen, or he breaks yet another decoration in the house and I just want to scream and cry and take a break. I struggle sometimes with disciplining him because I don't want him to hate me, but know that I need to be a parent and teach him right from wrong. I've struggled with how to do this and it breaks my heart to be the bad guy. But it's times like tonight, moments where he only wants me and wants nothing to do with anyone else, that I know I must be doing something right.
As I parent alone for the next few months, I'm really going to work on being more patient with him. I sometimes forget that he's just learning and exploring and that yes, he knows when he's doing something wrong but that raising my voice is not always the best way to go about things. It's hard to be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week but that's not his fault and I don't want to make him suffer because I'm past the point of exhaustion somedays.
We're the duo; it's just him and me a lot of the time and even when we're reunited with Z and Miss P, he will still be my baby. Parenting is a learning curve and will continue to be for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect and I have a lot of things to learn and a lot of things I need to work on.
But all I know is that I don't think I could love him anymore than I do now. He's given my life a purpose and showed me what I never knew I always wanted. Being a mom is seriously the most rewarding thing in the world and although I can't stop time and keep him little forever, I can cherish every single moment we spend together and take the rough days with a grain of salt.
I love you Bubba Bear; we're the duo, always and forever.
