For every action, there is an equal and opposite overreaction, usually by me.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve realized that I’m great in situations that don’t directly involve me on a primary level. Whereas other people freak out, I remain calm and collected. For example:
Situation: Stepdad cut off part of his finger while using the snow blower a few years ago.
Others: He (understandably) came yelling into the house holding his house-of-horrors hand. Mom (who will deny this) freaked out and started running around while the two of them talked over each other and wasted precious time.
Me: Calmly called 911 and described the emergency while also getting ice ready for the “stub” (if found,) ripping up his Mensa application and Googling “How to Reattach a Fingertip for Dummies” and a recipe for a new vegan cheesecake.
Because it wasn’t my finger and wouldn’t impair my ability to eat or do something of equal importance, I was fine. But there are still those “rare” days when something will happen and on a scale of 1-10 in the crazy department, I come in at about “Lindsay Lohan.”
Situation: A summer thunderstorm.
Others: Some sit on the porch and watch the storm roll in while others go about their business in a normal fashion.
Me: OH MY GOD! We’re going to lose power and all of my food will go bad, not to mention that I’ll miss the ballgame and can’t even go on Twitter to complain that we’re going to lose power! (All of this is said while trying to fit into the Thundershirt my mom has for her 13-lb dog.)
Situation: I send an email, text, etc. or put up a blog post and don’t immediately get a reply.
Others: Probably forget that they sent/posted it and simply go on with their lives.
Me: Fail to realize that not everyone is as OCD as me, and that they might be busy with “social lives” or whatever. Instead, I assume they hate me and are creating a Voodoo doll of my likeness instead of replying to email or reading my blog (If you are creating a doll though, please embellish the boobs quite a bit. I’ll totally buy it from you.)
Situation: Notice that the Kleenex box in my bathroom actually matches the bathroom.
Others: Would never notice this in the first place.
Me: Sigh deeply, realizing that now I can never use the last Kleenex in that box because it perfectly matches the interior of the bathroom and that moment might never happen again.
Situation: A winter ice storm/blizzard.
Others: Some people enjoy the view with a cup of hot cocoa while others go about their business in a normal fashion.
Me: OH MY GOD! We’re going to lose power and I’ll freeze, not to mention that I’ll miss the hockey game and can’t even go on Twitter to complain that we’re going to lose power! (All of this is said while trying to create a blankie fort by preemptive candlelight.)
Situation: Hot gym guy says, “Are you done using this bench?”
Others: Tell hot gym guy if they’re done using that bench.
Me: Translate that to mean, “I don’t even care that right now you smell like IcyHot and have what is either avocado or a booger on your shirt. I think we should run away together somewhere warm and perfect our slow-motion “Baywatch” jog.
Situation: Hot gym guy says, “Abby, remember the restraining order?”
Others: Well, they probably stay away at least 100 yards.
Me: Translate that to mean, “I don’t even care that right now you smell like IcyHot and have what is either avocado or a booger on your shirt. I think we should run away together somewhere warm and perfect our slow-motion “Baywatch” jog.
So as you can see, I’m actually quite a rational person if you sever a limb, suffer a natural disaster a safe distance away from my house or need instruction on how to create a weather shelter cocoon out of catnip-laced blankets.
Overreact? Not this girl, my…OH MY GOD IT’S A SPIDER WHICH MEANS THERE ARE A MILLION OTHERS JUST WAITING TO EAT OFF MY FACE!!!
Ahem. Carry on.
