A Review of a Review

Dear John Davidson,
Thank you so much for your feedback. Wow. You are obviously such a foodie and such a great writer. You should write food reviews for a living. I think you would be very good at it. Words come naturally to you, words like “dossappinted.” That's an interesting word, John. What does that word mean? You culinary wordsmith you.
Incidentally, we do take pride in what we do and we do listen to our customer feedback. We will try our Grumpy Burger yet again bearing all of your comments in mind, even if it is from a person who is still working on “somehow uploading a photo.” Are you still working on that? How is that going? It is pretty difficult to upload a photo to a website. I think all the billions of photos uploaded to websites each day must be by accident because most people can't possibly have that much of a clue.
By the way, I happened to read the second review you wrote since you decided to embark on your food review/hitting on waiters career just today. This one: Diner from Melbourne • John Davidson • 2 reviews “Honestly the best coffee I've had from Laurent doncaster in a while. A strapping young Italian looking man with great hair made our coffees to perfect and delivered them to us and treated is with excellent service. I think his name was Jason but not sure? He deserves a raise! An excellent night. We will be back.”
So, John, you consider this a well-written review, do you? You got the name of the restaurant wrong, and the most engaging sentence is “A strapping young Italian looking man with great hair made our coffees to perfect and delivered them to us and treated is with excellent service.”
And it's not exactly engaging.
Is it just me, or did the stunningness of strapping young Jason and his great hair render you a bit of a speech monkey? Because, let's face it, it's not the best sentence to ever appear in an utterly worthless and pretty idiotic “review”, is it? No. No, definitely not.
About reviews, you arrogant idiot. You know nothing about a well-constructed review. Shut up. You have nothing to offer in the way of constructive criticism. Shut the fuck up. You focus on one aspect of the whole experience without mentioning any of the other countless ingredients that go into our effort to bring what we think is good food and good coffee to the table with good service. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. A good review written by someone who has a clue about what goes on and who has a clue about compassion would not write (so clumsily... are you actually retarded?) such a dreary piece but would offer some constructive criticism. You come across as a giggling idiot who thinks coming up with bitchy insults is what reviewing is all about. You are lame. Shut the fuck up.
You probably think your reviews are funny and catty and witty.
No. No they are not. They are actually pretty embarrassing. Personally I wish, if your burger had been sub-standard, you had simply brought your uneaten portion back to us with your complaint. I don't recall picking up any un-eaten burgers over the last few days... what happened – did you force this whole inedible mess down your throat whilst writing down your idiot witticisms?