I love crank calls. But not Comedy Central’s “Crank Yankers”. I’m talking about the old school kind. Now, when sound boards first cane out 20 years ago and the guy from Sling Blade would call a nice brothel and would incessantly ask the head prostitute in charge, “how much they wants for they’s “bisskits and them fried taters”. Now, those made me laugh…..for a while. Then copycats came out of the word work. The Terminator calling nursing homes was okay, but by the time Jed Clampett was calling funeral homes, the CZ lost even more of its fake luster.
But the original, disguised voice, pull one over on someone you know or even better, a complete stranger, well, those were comedy magic.
AUSTIN, TEXAS. THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS, FALL SEMESTER OF 1979
I lived with Dolores, an old high school friend for a few months back in 1979. Dolores cane from a large Polish/Catholic family. Her brothers and sisters were are brilliant, funny as hell and gutsy. We got in so some trouble during Mass. The insane things they’d so with Band Aids (sticky side up) to the buttocks of those kneeling in the pew before us. God, it’s been well over 45 years and I’m still crying from laughing at the memories.
Dolores and I were both in college and living in Austin at the time. We were broke students, working skimpy hours for even skimpier hourly wages, but that’s what help builds character in your cavity prone years. We were trying to survive and find top notch free entertainment in the process. We couldn’t afford to do much–Austin has always been a college town but didn’t always cater to college wallets, so we had to imrpovise. We discovered that one form of very inexpensive fun was to crank call the fraternity houses at UT This was prior to the advent of Caller ID, so it was easy to get-away with.
Dolores would get on the extension, phone, then I still in my most affected radio voice, would tell the starched, button down Ralph Lauren shirt clad frat rat clone that I was with a certain station and we were live on the air and that the Sigma Tau Delta Gamma Delta Chi house had been chosen to participate in the “Name That Song” contest and if the lucky bastard who answered the phone could identify the tune he was about to hear, he’d win a cool ONE THOUSAND dollars.
I’d ask our contestant if he was were ready and when he answered excitedly in the affirmative, I’d let out this big, loud sound of human flatulence.
Silence on the other end.
Dolores and I tried our best to withhold our laughter. I’d regain my composure and I’d say “Sir, I can give you one hint. This song made it to number three on this past Sunday’s Casey Kasem’s American TOP FARTY!!!!!”
Then when we could no longer contain ourselves, we’d hang up laughing maniacally.
As stated, I’ve been a fan of crank calls since I was old enough to know what they were and how they worked. Fortunately, for aficionados like me, they’re all over You Tube.
I found a few this past weekend and some were so funny and made me laugh so hard, I felt like I had just done 500 sit-ups…and we know THAT didn’t happen.
C-Span gets hit hardest as do local cable access stations with shows that take phone calls are also prime targets. WARNING: Some might find these offensive. Not safe for work unless you work for me.
