I didn't forget that we have some unfinished business in regard to the follow up to the MF e-mail! With the excitement of the radio show, the warm weather, some unexpected personal things, and preparing to get back to P-Town, I've been a bit tied up. But I'm back, okay so where did we leave off?
"He wrote back a day later and this is when my heart just crumbled..."
Ah, that's right! Okay, so when I said that I crumbled which some of you really did not like, I meant that it struck a chord. It doesn't mean that I plan on recanting my decision to keep him at a distance, believe me when I say I stand firm in that.
Going back over a year ago, I spent one last weekend alone in his apartment in Oberkampf while my landlady was preparing my chambre de bonne that I was moving into that following Monday. That weekend in my soon-to-be former apartment was just awful. I spent it in bed, holding back tears, drinking wine, packing, and watching Dawson's Creek (Season One). It was also the same weekend that Phil's little masterminded plan to get my friends to turn their backs on me worked like magic, so I was truly alone. As down and out as I was, I fought the urge to feel sorry for myself. I was in survival mode and wallowing in my own pity wasn't going to give me the strength and energy that I very much needed to excel. I saved those pathetic moments for the following pre-blog weeks. Before I left the apartment on that cool spring morning, I wrote a letter telling him that I love him and will always be there for him. I put the note in a yellow tin box that was under the sink in his kitchen.
Only as of recent, did he find it, and I believe him.
I figured he had found last year and just ignored it, but I guess he really didn't have a need to look in that box, and it took him over a year later to receive it. This is why I was sad, not because I miss him but because today that letter is null and void. I don't feel that way for him anymore, and I'm not here for him. That's someone else's job. Good grief.
I told him on that final day standing on rue Jean-Pierre Timbaud waiting for my cab, to really think about this decision because I knew he was going to regret it because I had done nothing wrong to him. Now the moment has come and it's too damn late. I hate when the exes come around way after the fact. You think when you are in the throws of the heartbreak that it will be satisfying to reject them when this moment happens, but it's not, it's just sad. There are so many emotions that you struggle with. There's feeling melancholy for yet another lost love, validated that you were a good partner and the break-up was unnecessary, sorry for their regret, and proud that you have truly moved on.
It wasn't until I met Seb that I realized that I could be in a fulfilling relationship while still focusing on my own growth and progress. With MF, I was constantly trying to improve the relationship, so much that I was letting go of myself. I didn't realize when writing that letter that I was so much better off without him. Now spending over a year working on myself, it's as clear as day that there is no room for him. It's funny how clouded we are when we are in the thick of a situation. It is only when you truly step back from it, that you find clarity. That is why any break-up specialist will urge a 60 day no-contact rule, which should not be confused into tricking them to get them back, but rather to get yourself back.
While I feel sorry for the regret he is going through over his rash decision, there is still no apology. He simply cannot admit that how he treated me was wrong and this is why he will never be in my life again. After letting his words marinate a bit in my mind, I had to get out. It was all too heavy. When I got in the car, this song was on the radio...
How apropos! Seriously when was the last time this song was on the radio?! The spirit of Jenny from the block was clearly with me because if anyone knows what it's like to go through a break-up, it's this broad! I feel better already, thanks Jen! Yes, "Jen" we're like that now...