I wish I could remember more specifically when I started to feel it: must have been about five days into my facial chemo treatments. This treatment is for skin cancer so it isn’t injected into your blood, it is a liquid you put on top of your skin and it battles for control over your skin. In my case, it was the skin on my face that was the war-zone, a space of cells lurking in wait to possibly become more cancer.
I’ve had both melanoma and basal cell carcinoma and I have had actinic keratosis’ burned from my face in the past. This is a more harsh measure of control and it works on the unseen pre-cancer cells as well as the visible, more obvious ones.
What I started to feel was this: an actual struggle within my skin between life force and cancer, wrestling over who had control of this cell and that cell and the other cell and all I could do was sit there and feel into it.
When I made that decision - to sit there and feel into it - my perspective shifted dramatically.
Sure, it was still painful and yes, I had avoided one of my nighttime treatments because of the pain before this observation, but now I saw myself as a conscious co-conspirator on behalf of life force.
I had never seen this in my surgeries or follow up. It took my chemo to help me with this one.
It reminds me of when I went rock climbing and the guy on the ground, “on belay” who would hoist me just tightly enough that I knew I wasn’t climbing alone. I wasn’t going to turn around and wink far below to him with a thumbs up, but I could feel his energy and his half-nod affirmation.
I am now three days post chemo-application and my face is rather red still. Most fascinating to me is now I can actually see the battlefields. I can see the raised spaces where future cancer cells are being pushed up and out. It is really remarkable.
I am using a healing salve to keep my skin moist and relatively pain free. I have read it may stay reddish for a few weeks and the best I can do is stay out of the sun as much as possible and wear sunscreen and hats and scarves when I do venture outside.
One of the most helpful moments for me as I have experienced this science experiment on my face was finding a blogger who documented her journey. I figured I would use my blog to tell some stories, not necessarily show you a daily selfie. I do that anyway via my Instagram feed and #365feministselfie if you would like to see those photos.
There will be more to come here. I’m processing slightly slowly for me and letting myself be with this process, no matter whether it is speedy or calm.
Thank you for reading.
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