I was today years old, when I realised I will always be second best
I remember as a child, trying and pushing so hard to get attention, that I went out of my way to train myself, and to learn at lightning speed, that I was heartbroken time and time again when I realised I was good, but not good enough.
That there are people out there that are just naturally talented at one or two things, and they do it well,
These people are naturally the best at one or many things, and they don’t sacrifice anything like the scale in which you do, only to end up second best time and time again
And even coming second best is somehow a stretch,
Like people will often remark when I have achieved something, ‘wow that’s suprising that you did that well’; and you know they don’t mean it in a melicious way, but just that your genius or creativity coming out of such circumstance as myself, is just completely unexpected. And while that’s an achievement in and of itself, it’s still not enough to be the best or the first pick
I guess a big part of me believed that I was just a sore loser in life,
So I was in denial about the actual facts in front of me…
I’ve somehow subverted expectations of me,
While at the same time, not being the best at any particular thing
So maybe that’s why it’s hard to go back and apologize
Because while my family was ‘shocked’ that I survived last year sober and/or not in the psychiatric ward,, no one actually really gave a fuck about how bad it was
No one in my family actually went out of their way to be there for me last year
No one actively tried to help me move house, pack my belongings into a van and never look back,
No one offered to listen to my phone call late at night when i’m alone and thinking I’m going to die alone,
No one spontaneoously sent me flowers or offered to take me out on a date, in fact during my divorce I regularly foot the bill not only for myself, and it was never once reciprocated,
All of a sudden I’m seeing another ‘family’ member go through a separation, albeit from a toxic relationship no one thought would work, and fuck me, it’s like the world stopped for the rest of them to give them all the love and attention and sympathy they crave,
This same ‘family’ member who laughed in my face several times when she saw me self harm, saying I was just doing it for attention – rather then sit down and try to help the situation; meanwhile another family member starts cutting and she’s suddenly mother of the fucking year and literally not only moves houses but fucking states for this child?
The same family member who had been told several times about another family members treatment, and ignored it, but when the same thing happens to her child, years later, she suddenly steps in and all of a sudden it’s an unforeseeable tragedy that we’re only now finding out happened to another child
The same family member who point blank told me the abuse I experienced was nothing compared to the abuse she experienced, so I really needed to shut up about how hard life had been
Yeah.. there is the reason you for some reason could never see..
It’s like knowing a language, but going to a language class because you don’t know any,
It’s a level of denial of accountability that boggles my mind, and yet, here we are..
There is a clear reason this person has no one in her life for long,
They genuinely get sick of the pariah at the cost of their sanity,
No one will ever suffer enough to compare to her suffering,
and we should all bow down to the meek survivor rather than standing tall in our grief and torment
