Look at me.. trying to be all optimistic and shit..
Yeah – that’s me on a regular daily basis, lifting other people, being the role model for my brothers and sisters and inspiring others due to the amount of shit that seems to continuously go wrong in my life, whilst I continue to move on with a fucking smile on my face.
Well guess what.. I’m not smiling right now.. I’m pretty pissed off… and I’m sober which just adds to my long list of woes.
But lets be honest – who the fuck would read anything I wrote if I didn’t at least try and put a positive tongue-in-cheek twist on things. So instead of sitting here bitching and complaining about things that seem to happen out of my control that inevitably leave me broken, I’m going to sit here and try to figure out how I can make these things somehow positive.
Over the last week I have been fired from my job that I spent 60+ hours a week working my arse at off due to a misunderstanding on social media, my parents are getting divorced and I realised the guy that I liked quite a lot turned out to not give a shit about these first two happenings and apparently only wanted me for sex and witty banter… so I drunkenly told him politely to fuck off and thanked him for leading me on.
So here I am .. broke again – and for the first time in my life (ok since I was 17) I am completely and utterly unsure of what the hell I am meant to do to get out of this situation. I mean, Richard Branson isn’t answering any of my calls and since I’ve spent a weekend drinking all the alcohol my body could handle and eating all the chocolate cake my thighs would allow, I really can’t even consider sucking dick right now for a living – unless I wore a balaclava.
Here are a list of things that make being broke absolutely and incredibly terrible for a young single woman in the 21st century:
- Beauty Regime… What Beauty Regime
I’ve never really been one to spend hours upon hours primping and preparing myself, however since having to choose between my phone bill or cleanser, I have noticed how much it SUCKS not being able to afford ‘girly products’. My skin looks like a pizza, my legs and armpits envy that of a caveman and lets not even get started on my body odour. All of a sudden I can’t afford my Clinique makeup or Clarins cleanser, toner and moisturiser. While, yes these probably aren’t ESSENTIAL products like fuel in the car.. they are important to me. They help me mask this face that genetics gave me – the face that I would really RATHER hide under hundreds of dollars of products on a daily basis.Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can compromise for home brand razors – I had to borrow some of my dads, and I broke out in a rash all over my legs … lets not even mention higher than the legs because it ain’t pretty. This goes for deodorant as well – sure if you want to smell like a truck driver five minutes after putting it on, then go for it… otherwise maybe even consider spraying Toilet Spray under your arms as it would probably work better.
- Are You Going To Eat That?
Yes – Yes I am… I’m going to eat 2 Minute Noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner because fuck you.. that’s why. Sure it might not be my favorite Spaghetti Pernod Calamari and Capsicum from the most amazing Italian restaurant.. but it beats eating tuna out of a can until I find a new job. Say I could afford to buy something more than 2 Minute Noodles – I would be buying either cheap wine or chocolate – because I need to consider the food triangle of poverty here and these other two items are ESSENTIAL. - Sex… Or Lack There Of
I used to pride myself on my career, education, status rah rah rah – and I was always in control of my life, so I felt very control of situations with males. Now, what do I have to attract them to me? I’ve already stated I have acne like a teenage boy, caveman legs and the only makeup I can afford turns me into an oompa loompa. On top of that – I literally have nothing to offer in conversation… I live with my parents.. soon to be parent.. I am probably going to have to sell my convertible to afford two minute noodles and I left alot of my assets in Brisbane at my exes house. Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger.. but pretty much, that is how it is going to come across until I find employment.
This is where big tits would really come in handy…
“So Bek.. what do you do for work?”
“oh.. I um… oh no.. some ice fell down my top onto my breasts… “ *touch breasts suggestively.. man proposes* Crisis averted…Ok so pretty obvious my sex life has gone to shit too – but that’s ok.. I have toys… I just can’t afford the batteries in them.. and at the moment, they are running on dead so it’s like having sex with a geriatric patient… YAY
