The crying continued for about 4 days straight
Anything and everything made me cry including a nature programme we were watching one evening
I continued to restrict all last week, dragging my weary body around Sydney
But then yesterday we were going on a 2 and a half hour bush walk so I made myself eat something
And I really had to make myself
Interestingly the crying stopped once I had food in my body
It was literally crying out for food
I haven't purged in almost a week
This would be a good thing if I were eating properly
Purging is a tricky business is someone elses house
And there are 4 of us here in a small two bedroomed house so the risk is just not worth it
I don't miss it at all
Not one little bit
Binging and purging is not an option when you have an audience
I think one of the things that may have contributed to my fragile state last week was my choice of reading material
I picked up a book called 'An apple a day' by Emma Woolf
Yet another eating disorder memoir
Emma Woolf is Virginia Woolf's great niece and wrote this book just as she was embarking on her journey to recovery
I could relate to her a lot
Her eating disorder developed at 19
So did mine
10 years later she is trying to recover
So am I
I cried my way through this book
For her and for me
But the thing I couldn't relate to was that she had managed to accomplish so much in her life
She managed to get through college (Oxford)
She had a lucrative career in publishing and she had a loving long term partner
I can only imagine what that's like
I suppose I have to remind myself that I've also had drug addiction to contend with
Which turns your life upside down and inside out
At the end of the book Emma had made great progress
She was weight restored
Eating a wide range of foods
And was trying for a baby
Although I enjoyed the book I was probably not in the best frame of mind to read it
These memoirs make for tough reading and you really do need to be in a good place
So it's Monday today here in Australia and I plan on doing very little
I also feel a little relieved as I don't have to eat either
Is it wrong that I like that?
I don't know if I've lost weight
I still feel fat
I haven't weighed myself since I left a month ago but Mary will be weighing me next week
I'm dreading that beyond belief
Going home is bittersweet
I will miss my sister but it will be nice to be home
To get back to normal
To have my supports
And I do need them
My eating disorder made this trip very difficult
It tried time after time to ruin it
And it almost succeeded
It whispered in my ear
It tried to break me down
It sapped my energy
But I kept going
I got through it
Just about
