I know I have had a few life adjustment blog posts in the last few months, we all write about what we are going through in life I suppose. I find it helps to work through whatever it is I am living through at the time, your feedback and comments as well as different perspective on things really help with all of that, for that…I thank you all. You can’t possibly understand the difference it has made in my life.
I am not really sure how to start this post, I don’t want it to look like a sermon, or a ploy for any kind of sympathy, it is meant to be neither.
It’s funny after all these years and all of the time I have spent trying to figure out why I do the things I do, that it occurs to me in about 2 seconds when I totally don’t expect it.
We all have our battles in life, mine is probably not much different from yours, it could be far worse, or not nearly as bad, but none the less it is a battle to me, one I have fought my whole life since I was 15 years old.
I have faced it alone.
Always.
I am ok with that, it has been my choice up to now to keep my fight inside of myself.
Mostly because what was happening was me making myself feel bad for something I had no control over. The guilt and the shame I have carried for over 30 years has taken a toll on me, I am no longer willing to carry it around.
I don’t feel the need to share what happened to me, it won’t heal me faster for you to know. Your understanding of my story isn’t what this is about.
What this is about, is this…if you have been holding something inside you, something you are sure no one else will ever understand, you are wrong. Talk to someone you trust, and love, or just say it out loud to yourself to start. Verbalize what happened to you… cry, feel the pain…go with it, but let go of the shame…let go of the guilt. It wasn’t your fault. No matter what led up to it, no matter how much you can’t see it right now…you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were, no one does. Period.
It is funny that as humans we always try to excuse bad behavior, in whatever form it comes in…how the victims of the crime, whatever it be, bullying, abuse, rape are the ones that carry the guilt and shame of the act.
What is wrong with our world that we don’t talk about any of this out loud easily? That it is easier to just ignore that it is happening or minimalize it, make it seem not that big of a deal…it’s not ok. We have made a start in changing things, but there are still taboo things people would rather overlook than talk about, like children getting viciously beaten in their own homes, men getting raped, elder abuse or physical abuse in ANY form to anyone…things like that are still not things people want to say out loud, if a victim speaks up, they are taking a chance…a chance that they will be the one that is made to feel responsible for what took place. How do we change that? How do we make people see that no matter how it started or who is involved, violence and abuse is not going away until the bullies are confronted.
I have found that everyone I have personally talked to about this subject, has their own story…none of us are alone, we just all feel like we are.
My best friend Phyllis said something to me the other night, that made me move one more step ahead, something we should all remember…
What happened to you, is your story… it is not who you are.
I have pretty smart friends. Just saying.
So my epiphany the other night (the same night actually, only earlier) was this…
I set myself up for failure, unknowingly…yes.
Consistently…absolutely.
So why do I do it???
“Thoughts become things” is a saying that I truly believe. And up until the other day I never thought about what I was doing to myself over and over and over again.
You see, I don’t think I am good enough.
I don’t think I am smart enough.
I don’t think I am worthy…because of what happened to me when I was young.
I beat myself up for so long, so hard about something that I can’t go back and change, something that I had no control over.
What the hell is that all about?
I have never played the victim, I have never felt like a victim…but I have let it control how I live and the happiness I allow into my life since it happened.
It took me half of a hundred years to figure it out…well almost half :)
That is a long time to beat yourself up, I am pretty tired out, I have to say.
It is amazing how one little conversation, with friends that you have known forever can start a healing process that you have been longing for, for years…all it takes is one person saying, “hey, this happened to me, and it’s shitty and it changed me and how I look at things, but if I don’t talk about it, if I don’t get it off my chest…it will eat me alive.”
Only the bad guys win in that situation.
The bad guys don’t get to win. Holding onto it, takes away your power and gives it to them…
At this point in my life, I am taking back my power.
I am not saying that I am over the anger, I am not…I am working through it every day. I know that it serves no purpose to be angry and that it can’t change the past.
But if I am lucky enough to live another 47 years, I refuse to let it affect my happiness for one more day.
I am worthy.
I do deserve happiness.
I do deserve to be with that gorgeous, smart and funny guy… that last week I was sure wouldn’t look at me twice.
I do deserve to be adored and looked after and loved.
We all deserve those things.
My story is that I had to work through it all, apparently for a really long time, before I understood the lesson I was supposed to learn from it all.
I am not always the fastest at grasping things, but I eventually figure it all out. I suppose if I wasn’t so stubborn, hard headed and independent…I would have got to this place sooner than I have.
I will never again underestimate the power of friendship, I will have more faith that my friends are there for me, to help me through life’s lessons, the old and the new…
I am no longer afraid, ashamed or guilty.
I never have been the latter, I understand that now. Finally.
So to all of you who are battling within yourselves…who feel alone, lost and maybe guilty for something you know wasn’t your fault…
You are not alone.
I am there with you, the person sitting beside you on the bus is there with you…your best friend might be there with you. If you never tell anyone, you will never know…or heal.
Take the baby step it takes to get better and live a better life, it will probably feel like the hardest thing you have ever done, but once you do it, it will open up doors that you would have never imagined before.
Be well my friends xoxo
