Despite what this post might suggest, I would generally describe myself as more self-deprecating than self-centered.
However, I have come to realize that at times I’m a) completely irrational when it comes to how I view reality and normal inconveniences and b) delusional.
Let’s start with the first one and an example, as it often leads to the second.
When storms are raging around the state causing massive destruction, my first thought is rarely, “Gosh, I hope that everyone is okay everywhere in the world” but rather, “Gah! I know we’re going to lose power because of this much-less severe storm in my town, which means I’m going to lose my shit.”
So while I feel awful for people picking up after a tornado—I’m not a freaking monster—I’m also flipping the heck out. Mother Nature obviously hates me and wants all the food in my fridge to go bad and for me to have to live without the Internet for a day like some kind of contestant on Survivor: Entitlement Island.
While I know Mother Nature doesn’t specifically aim her meteorological might directly at my house, I still see it as a direct “screw you.”
Another example that will lead us into my second point is when I was at the ATM the other day.
I was trying to make a withdraw and got an “error” message. Knowing there was no actual error with my account, I kept trying, manically pushing the buttons with increasing rage at each attempt. No luck.
So I went into the bank like my ancestors used to do and found out they had been having issues with the ATM due to the cold (see “weather” up above, I suppose. THANKS AGAIN MOTHER NATURE.)
No big deal, but I’ve been paranoid about my debit card ever since it was hacked last year, and the “error” message fueled my neurosis. Plus, I was feeling lazy.
Anyway, my first completely irrational thought as she was counting the money back to me was that I would like her to slip an extra $5 into the cash for my ATM troubles.
WTF?
Why on earth do I think I should get a reward for doing absolutely nothing other than not beating the ATM with my umbrella? I swiped three free pens from the bowl on the desk and pondered this thought as I walked out.
Because it’s not just the bank.
The store is out of a product I want? A pipe burst and closed the gym for a day? Obviously there is a broccoli conspiracy closely linked to the sewage system in my neighborhood because the UNIVERSE HATES ME. And for some reason I feel proud for doing the exact thing that normal, civil people are expected to do in society.
Drive by a cop when I’m going the speed limit? Extra credit on my license for those times I might inch a bit over.
Remembering to put out both the trash and the recycle on the right day? A standing ovation.
Not telling my friend that her ultrasound picture looks like a seahorse holding a chicken McNugget? Some karma extra credit, perhaps.
Now I’m not proud, but these thoughts often take center stage before getting kicked out by that whole, “be a freaking adult” voice that is also in my head (or the voice of my mom.)
So to summarize? I’m not selfish, just slightly irrational, and being an adult can be bullshit. But at least sometimes we do get free pens.
There is always that to enjoy.
Need a holiday gift? Buy the books!
