A ship needs an anchor, so said the world and so I believed. The anchor should be strong and invincible, something which holds on come what may, I memorized when I set out in search of one.
God. God. God. people around me prompted, but it is always a "He"
Well "he" seemed non existent to me and some how seemed quite confused,
He seemed of the kinds who would abandon the crew and run to safety, the kinds who would change his words and deeds as per the need, I didn't need one who I couldn't rely on
Then I continued my search, family suggested the world. I looked around and thought it was a little too fairy tale-ish.
I moved to a believing the Nation. I almost succeeded but lost track, which Nation do I believe the one which existed in 1800, 1910, 1947, 1997 or 2007. All of them are different, after all it is just a matter of a line.
I will believe in my gender identity, I decided, but which gender do I talk about. I'm not too sure whether I'm a man, a woman or something in between. I'm not too sure if I'm the same all the time.
I will believe in humanity, I thought. But which humanity? the male or the female or the "others", the casteist or the raceist, the capitalist or communist, the Christian, Hindu, Islamic, Jewish...which one? Too many complications to handle and so I left it.
Then I thought I would believe in John Lennon, but wasn't it Ono who changed his chauvinism. I dropped him too.
Probably individual identity, I thought. But does it really exist. If family is farce, humanity is a myth, gender is constructed does identity really exist??
Anchor I still can't find but my ship sails on, seems to enjoy the lack of control. Don't worry I'll manage, let me breathe for a while, it seems to say.