Good Morning all you people out there in Bloggerville, this
is Crow the SpamWow guy, and I am here to sell you something you don’t want,
for a price that you can’t afford, and not only will you thank me for it you
will make me famous and buy the next piece of junk I sell you too!
Over on this side of the pond, we have this guy named Vince, who shows up in infomercials every now and then selling crap. He’s actually one of the most famous purveyor of garbage since P.T. Barnum. We even use the very title “Vince the ShamWow Guy” to describe anyone who is a charismatic liar. I fashion myself a charismatic stretcher of the truth, but I don’t compare to Vince, my hero, when it comes to selling ice cubes to an Eskimo.
On that note we have a problem called spam which ties into the whole ShamWow mentality of the world in general. Well some people see it as a problem I see it as a hilarious little aside from ordinary life. If you were to ask a Hawaiian what spam is, they would tell you it is a delicious yet underrated meat product that just happens to come in a can. If you ask me about Hawaiians I would tell you that their poor taste in food is why we placed them on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I digress, the real reason the word spam is so popular is because it was the name that was given to unwanted e-mails by some clever dorks based on the fact that spam is an unwanted meat product.
Back to the hilarity of spam, I mean look at that can! How can you look at that can and say, wow I want to eat that? That is basically what I think of when I hear about the different types of spam that people fall for. As I look through my spam (for research purposes of course) folder, the only thing I can think is “does this crap work?” Well apparently it must or people would have given up on it long ago, wouldn’t you think?
In the interest of chasing off the few of poor Mike’s readers that have made it this far, I want to give you Crow the SpamWow Guy’s guide to becoming a connoisseur of fine spam .. In no particular order here is your menu ..
Porn Spam: I won’t get into this one too much, we all know what it is and we have all seen it. I get a little crabby that they don’t send pictures along with it anymore but the world she is a changing. African Spam: This comes in two flavors, the first of which is the “Nigerian Prince” version. After you send the first 4 or 5 Nigerian Princes your bank account information in hopes of 5 Million dollars, you tend to give up, or so I heard anyway I am still on number 3 so I will let you know if that is true when I get there. Then you have the “Horrible Grievance Letter” version. The Asians seem to be perfecting the horrible grievance letter spam, but I do remember it being an African thing first. As far as the horrible grievance, I just wish they would send them to me in English so I can tell if I want to get on board with whatever it is they think I should hate along with them. It must be pretty interesting to get them so passionate.
Middle Eastern Spam: I get it already Israel is behind everything from the sale of Louisiana to the United States to foot fungus. Give it a rest already. European Spam: It’s all about that one weird trick that they know and you don’t, but that weird trick can solve everything from impotence to hair loss. Good Old Fashion American Spam: Click like and re-share unless you hate women, puppies, your own mother, or days that end in the letter Y. Of course if you don't click like and re-share in the next 15 seconds you will come down with rabies, a cute and fuzzy bunny will die or God will punish you some other way.
Now of course, just because you know your spam, I am in no way saying that I have it all covered. There are still many people hocking an Etsy site that will post replies on your blog. There are still those that get a little too crazy with that "shared with you" feature on Google + but the jury is still out on them. Please feel free to leave your spam in the comments section below, and have whatever kind of day you wish!
I am Jeremy Crow the SpamWow Guy and I support this Spam!
