I guess I need the support as I don't have much here
No Mary
No doctor
No friends
And I don't want to worry my mother and my sister
So I'm trying hard to hold it together in front of them
I hope you understand
The last couple of days have been unimaginably hard
I've eaten once in the last 3 days
I just couldn't face
The fridge is filling up with my uneaten plates of food
Yesterday my mother and I went to Cougee beach
I woke up feeling very emotional and was fighting back the tears all morning
I knew I should eat but I couldn't
I wanted to I really did
We arrived in Cougee and went to cafe
I felt so overwhelmed as I looked at all the food
Baguettes
Pies
Carrot cake
Apple muffins
Brownies
I couldn't take it and started to sob
I went outside for a smoke and tried to pull myself together
I did and we went to the beach where I settled down with my book and cigarettes
My mother went for a walk
Here I was at a beautiful beach in an amazing country and I just couldn't appreciate it
My eating disorder was ruining it
All of a sudden I was crying again
Harder than I have in along time
My mother was busy looking around that she didn't even notice me until I started gasping for air
I tried to explain how I was feeling
Like I was slipping
Crumbling
Falling apart
Severely restricting
Obsessing over mine and others bodies
What I didn't tell her was that suicidal thoughts were rearing their ugly head again
Planning
Plotting
Thinking about disappearing
I just couldn't tell her that
She tried to soothe me
Calm me down
She said that she had noticed that I was eating less and less
I hoped she hadn't noticed
But she always does
I spent the rest of the day mostly crying
We were due to go out to dinner that night with my sisters parters family
Thought of it was too much to bear
I hadn't eaten in 2 days and I feared it so much
I decided there and then not to go
It was too much and I already felt so fragile
We arrived home from the beach and I went straight to bed
My sunburned skin stung and I enjoyed the pain
I hid from everyone and hoped they'd understand if I didn't go
But then and I don't know how, I somehow found the strength to go
I didn't want to but I made myself
So we all went out to a local restaurant
The menu consisted of sharing plates so we ordered a selection
This turned out to be easier for me
I could nibble little bits and not look out of place
It was much easier than having a big plate of food on front of me
I ate a little bit of Spanish ham and some cracker bread
I ate so little that I didn't feel the need to purge
In the end I managed to enjoy myself
I even laughed
Isn't it always the way that the anticipation of an event is always worse than the event itself
I thought breaking my fast would whet my appetite
But now I am back to nil by mouth
And I feel incredibly guilty
But it isn't enough to make me eat
Where is this going?
I'm not quite sure
Watch this space
