Sometimes I watch it if it's something that I'm interested and yesterday I was definitely interested
We were introduced to Morgan and her family
Morgan was 26
She had anorexia and also abused prescription meds
It scared me how similar our stories were
She had been suffering with anorexia ever since she was a child and after regaining weight she started to abuse meds such as oxycontin and xanax
She had been in treatment multiple times and had also attempted suicide
It was like watching my own story
Like me she gave control of her meds over to her parents in an effort to take them properly
Also her father had gone to stay with her
Just like me
Her older sister distanced herself from the family
Just like my sister
She admitted to being an expert liar and manipulator
And as much as I deny it I am guilty of that too
My mother watched the show is silence
It was incredibly uncomfortable to watch a story so close to my own
Morgan said that she couldn't stand being in her own body
That she took drugs to escape
I can relate to that so much
It showed footage of her stumbling around and slurring her heads, totally out of it
My mother said that she has seen me like that too many times
Morgan agrees to go to treatment
A dual diagnosis center in Texas
After it was over my mother asked me some questions
Did the treatment center I went to for my eating disorder deal with my addiction?
Well the first hospital I went to I played down my addiction in the assessment
On the day I was being admitted somehow they had not taken note of the fact that I was on methadone
When the psychiatrist in charge found out that I had a drug and alcohol addiction they sent me home
They said they couldn't deal with both conditions
The next center agreed to take me knowing that I was on methadone
But they didn't deal with the addiction
And I manipulated that to the max
I remember complaining that I couldn't sleep in order to be put on sleeping pills
I played up my anxiety so I would be put on more meds
I was on far too many meds
I never once made it through a group without falling asleep
And of course because I was so numb I made precious little progress
In fact I've never really dealt with my drug addiction
The first drug treatment center I went to was in 2004
I was there for 6 months
I remember that I hated the groups
I just never knew what to say
I wasn't aware of my behaviours and they were quickly pointed out to me
I was told that I used 'The little girl act'
That I played the 'Damsel in distress'
Played dumb
Stupid
Helpless
So people would feel sorry for and also to get my own way
At first I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about but I now know that I do actually do this
I have an innocent face and I use this to my advantage
I pretend that butter wouldn't melt in my mouth
And use this to get what I want
To get out of sticky situations
And when you're inactive addiction there are plenty of those
I also did my best to get people to like me
To get them on side
This all sounds very sinister but it's how I survived as a drug addict
Some people use violence and intimidation to get what they want
I just did it a different way
Kill them with kindness
I really don't like admitting to this behavior but it's the truth
It's what I did to get by
My mother made the suggestion that maybe I haven't really dealt with my addiction
That it is still an obstacle in my way
I suspect that she's right
I haven't been drug free since I was young teenager
Ever since then I have either been on drink, drugs or prescription meds
At the moment I'm on methadone and a couple of other meds
If I'm honest I still abuse them
Even though my parents have control of them I still find ways to manipulate them
It's very sneaky really
I use all sorts of tricks
And all the while with a smile on my face
My mother says that she knows I manipulate
That she has seen wrap people around my finger
To be honest I'm not always aware that I'm doing it
The thing about my addiction is that I find it very difficult to put it in to words
To describe it
To deal with it
With my eating disorder I can describe it
I can personify it and that makes it easier to understand
To explain
But with my addiction I can't get inside it the way I can with my eating disorder
I'm not sure why this is
Maybe I'm in denial
I remember in treatment one of the counsellors called me a 'dustbin junkie'
Because I would take absolutely anything
Anything to get high
To get out of my own head
To escape
To not feel
In drug treatment I abused aerosals
One night I passed out with a cigarette in my hand and burned a huge hole in my face
I just find it incredibly difficult to just be me
With no crutch
No get out clause
To live life on life's terms
I am always looking for a way out
To feel numb
My thoughts can be so negative and destructive that I use anything to drown them out
In the morning the first thing I do is turn on the radio
So I won't have to listen to my head
I also always have the tv on
I like to listen to something so I don't have to listen to myself
When I'm walking my dogs I always listen to the radio
If I don't have the radio I'm not a happy girl
You know that person you see walking down the street muttering to themselves?
I am that person
I have arguments with myself in my head
I think back on conversations I've had with people and I beat myself up over stupid things that I said or clever things that I should've said
Do you know how exhausting it is to analyze every little thing you say?
Wondering what the other person thought of you
Whether you sounded stupid or not
If you offended them
What my body language was saying
Sometimes I am so worried about what to say that I'm literally paralysed with fear and anxiety so I can't speak at all
Better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it
I think way too much
I over think everything
To the point of being paranoid and suspicious
I'm starting to wonder whether I don't have some type of personality disorder
It really feels like something is broken in my head
So this is why I choose to escape
Because there is a war going on in my mind
A war with myself
Maybe I need to go to a dual diagnosis center like Morgan
Although there are none in this country
I was wondering about you
Do you have certain behaviours that you use to get by?
Positive or negative
