They are like little rituals that have to be done in a certain way
Here's an example of a few of them
Cups
I drink a lot of tea and I'm very particular about what cup I drink out of
I only drink out of certain cups and I have about 10 that I use
They have to be narrow cups
Tall and thin so they stay hotter for longer
I'm not sure why but I won't drink out of just any cup
It has to be the right cup and if it's not I don't enjoy the tea as much
I remember in treatment there was a little kitchenette on the ward
Cups were provided but all the eating disorder girls brought in their own cups including me
One day a new girl (not an ed patient) came on to the ward and she started to use my cup
She drank out of it for a couple of days and I was silently seething
Eventually I couldn't stand it any longer and I had to say it to her
She was very apologetic and I felt kind of silly making a big deal out of it but I was very attached to that cup
Oh my God, I'm officially losing it
Who gets attached to a cup?
Here's a couple of my favorite cups
The one on the left has a lid and a teas strainer
The one on the right is the one I used in treatment
Cutlery
I'm very particular about what cutlery I use
I have certain knives, forks and spoons that I use
And also bowls and plates
Again I'm not sure why but only these ones will do
I tend to go for small plates and bowls
If I am eating soup I use a tea spoon
I think this may be because it takes longer to eat that way
Conditions have to be perfect when I'm eating
I don't eat at the kitchen table and I definitely don't eat with other people
I prepare my food in the kitchen and then bring it in to the living room
I sit cross legged on the floor beside the fire place
I like to watch tv while I'm eating
Sometimes if the ads come on, I stop eating until my programme comes back on
Strange?
Well, there's more
I'm a condiment junkie
I put brown sauce on everything
Also I keep the salt and pepper beside me at all times while I'm eating
I remember when I was a child eating dinner I used to keep the meat until last as it was my favorite part of the meal
I usually choose food that takes a short time to prepare and a long time to eat
I eat pretty slowly
Savouring every mouthful
Although if I'm binging I eat quite quickly
I think it's a huge myth that people with anorexia don't like food and we survive on lettuce
I love my food just as much as the next person
Maybe even more
And contrary to popular belief I eat chocolate and carbs and sweets
The second I finish eating the urge to purge is overwhelming
It is also a ritual
I'm already on the way to the bathroom as I'm chewing the last mouthful
I lock the bathroom door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Lift up the toilet seat
Bow over the toilet and proceed to purge
Afterwards I clean the toilet, wash my hands and face, being careful not to leave any evidence
Like it never happened
I absolutely hate it if someone interrupts my eating
I just can't talk to anyone while I'm eating
Meal times are supposed to a social occasion but for me it's a solitary affair
Also I can't stand to let others see me eat
For me it's the equivalent of going to the toilet in front of someone
At bedtime I have another ritual
At 10pm I make myself a ham and mustard sandwich and leave it down in my bedroom ready for when I go to bed (My dog has been known to find it and eat while lying on my bed)
When I'm going to bed I make myself a cup of tea and eat the sandwich in bed reading a book
I cut the sandwich in to small squares and eat them all the same way, bite by bite
I've done this every night for years
I then purge and go back to bed
Often I will wake up in the middle of the night and have a cup of tea and a biscuit
It's not unusual for me to get up 2 or 3 times a night
I hate that I do this but I can't seem to stop
All these rules and rituals give me comfort
They make me feel safe
Like there is order in my world
I have my little routine and if something upsets it I get pretty anxious
Even something like an unexpected visitor can send me in to a tailspin
I am definitely a creature of habit
And once I have a rule or ritual I find it very difficult to break it
They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit
And my having an addictive personality means I develop habits quickly
I used to be spontaneous
I used to do things on the spur of the moment
At the drop of a hat
But now I can't imagine being like that again even though I would like to
I think I use the rules and rituals as a way to deal with anxiety
If I do these things I feel calm and more in control
This is why anything unexpected throws me for a loop
Mary said that she only asked me to the talk 2 days before because she knew if she asked me weeks in advance, I would have spent that time worrying about it
And she's right
My anxiety usually stems from the future, the unknown
Not knowing what's going to happen causes me huge anxiety
And so I create all these little habits to ease it
I keep my cigarettes on the mantel piece
I line the box up so it's exactly on the edge
Then I make sure my lighter is exactly on the middle of the box
I suspect that I may have OCD tendencies
Although I've never spoken about it to anyone
But over time I've noticed that it's getting worse
More and more rules get added
Most of them have to do with food though so it may just be part of my eating disorder
When I'm eating crisps ( yes I do eat crisps!) I always have them with tea
I eat 2 crisps, have a sip of tea
2 more, have a sip of tea
I like things to be in even numbers
That feels right
Odd numbers just feel wrong for some reason
Am I the only one?
Do you have any rules or rituals like mine?
Do your center mostly around food?
Inquiring minds want to know.......
