So very alll over the place
I don't know whether I'm coming or going
Round and around I go on this never ending merry-go-round
'Where it stops nobody knows'
I know this ride well
I've been on it so many times they don't even charge me anymore
I am a valued customer
Every time I manage to get off for a second I promise myself never again
Never again will I put myself and my loved ones through this again
But this ride is hard to resist
The colours, the music, the promise of the ride of a life time
It all pulls me back in
Each time I promise myself that this time will be different
But it's an empty promise
A promise that's never kept
You would think that I'd be sick of this ride by now
But I go back time and time again
The price is a high one
It's with money you pay
You pay with your dignity, self respect and self worth
For this ride is governed by anorexia and bulimia
The mistresses of the merry-go-round
They drive this ride
They are in charge
They call the shots
I am merely a passenger
I have no say where the ride goes
I have no power to stop it
I wish I did
I feel so angry with myself
Here I am in one of the most beautiful and exciting countries in the world and all I can think about is losing weight
I watch people closely
It's the height of summer here so people wear very little
I look at other girls and pick out the parts I like for myself
I'll have her legs
Her ass
Her boobs
Her arms
Like a human jigsaw I put together the perfect body piece by piece
Limb by limb
Having to expose my own limbs is depressing
I yearn for long, lean, lithe limbs
Instead I have chubby little stumps
Everytime I catch a glimpse of my reflection I want to punch it
I try my best to look nice and presentable
I do my hair
Wear nice clothes
Apply make up
But no amount of max-factor or Topshop can camoflauge my hatred for my appearance
Every time I see a photo of myself I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to starve
I want to hurt me
My mother says that my perception is warped
But that's what I see
And that's what matters
I started a new blog on Wordpress in an attempt to kick start recovery
A new place
A new identity
A new me
But of course it's not as simple as changing your user name
If only it were that simple
I think it's a reflection of my state of mind these 2 blogs
One part wants to get well
Wants to recover
To reclaim my life
The other part wants to stay sick
That part is so very stuck
So having 2 blogs is confusing me even more
It's like there are two of me
Ruby and Poppy
There's a tug of war going on in my head
In the words of Lana Del Rey
'Been trying hard not to get in to trouble but I gotta war in my mind'
I'm trying to enjoy myself
And I am
But it's always interrupted with thought of food, weight and numbers
I bought some new clothes the other day
That made me feel good
But now I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web
Stuck
Under attack
Afraid
About to die
Please spider let me go or let me die
Ok, I've officially stopped making sense
Please excuse this nonsense
