I was told today, by a perfectly lovely man…that I was hard.
It’s not the first time a man has described me that way, but it surprised me a little none the less.
In the conversation that followed I tried to explain to him that I just wasn’t ready to be anything else right now.
I think he thought that my reason for keeping my distance was about him. It was not.
It is my protection mechanism. It is how I am going to heal my heart, so that one day I will be worthy of great and open love. No hardness involved.
I am far from reaching that goal. My healing journey is not going to be a short one or one that I will place a time limit on. I will be ready when I am ready, and right now it is honestly the farthest thing from my mind or my heart.
People often take my hardness personally, I am sorry to all past loves for that, it isn’t intentional. I am trying really hard to heal myself and understand what makes me feel less than worthy of amazing, but I have spent a great deal of my life feeling that way so it is a slow road, with so much growing, learning, laughter and crying.
I am learning to be so happy in my skin, with all of my flaws, my loudness, my sadness, my somewhat random bursts of insane clarity, my gratefulness…I am learning that everything I have ever done or will do is what makes me fucking amazing. I will settle for nothing less from now on.
I am pretty great with living my life on my own terms right now, which means not having to explain myself or try to make people understand my path, or what it is exactly that I am trying to make happen within myself.
I don’t want to explain the fact that I meditate more than any human should just to hold it together some days. I don’t want to make people feel comfortable with that, it just is what it is for me right now. It’s incredible and awesome and life changing. I can honestly say for the first time in my whole life, that my own company is all I need right now. I have never lived alone, I have rarely spent time by myself, probably fearful that I would have to face myself in the mirror and figure my shit out. Well I am a big girl now, my panties aren’t for babies or those with a faint heart. And I am super good with that.
If that makes me seem hard, or aloof, or like I don’t give a shit what you think about me, that is probably pretty close to the truth…don’t take it personally. Inside I still have the warm gushy part just waiting to come back out again. And it will. It’s been hiding inside for a really long time, but it’s there, and one day soon it will burst out and smother the hell out of the world. I look forward to that day with a huge amount of excitement and gratitude…
So don’t worry too much about me, it’s a great path this one I am on, everything is amazing and new and fabulous! And sometimes you just gotta get through the hard outer candy to get to the inner goodness :)
