I've been drinking tea instead of coffee.
I don't know if the extra dose of caffeine will push my emotions to the next stage, but I'm not willing to figure it out.
I'm using Dave's computer and the keys are frustratingly close together. The computer crashes if you press too hard on it, or if you do too much with it- so, in my case, it crashes every ten minutes. It makes me think of Dave, and his hands, and his gentleness. He could paint a mural on the inside of a bubble and not burst it. I can barely catch one without exploding it into a million bits of glycerin and air.
I gave that analogy to Dave once, over stale pizza and sweet tea. He said he was a lucky man to have married a girl who could turn bubbles into confetti without even trying.
I think I probably rolled my eyes, or stuck out my tongue.
That's the sort of thing he'd say, because he loved me.
We're gentle with the people we love.
Today, I was upset at myself because I just can't blog from a phone. I've done a few now, and I could probably do a few more, but trying to blog in 5 minute segments on a frustratingly-delicate computer is actually easier. My hands are sore, and Rarasaur lost her arm.
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I still don't know what's wrong with my car, after taking it to mechanic after mechanic. It's been a stressful couple of days, which always seems to mush into the realization that it's been a stressful couple of months, and years.
And of course, at the peak of my panic, I realized I had a few hours to prepare for a friend who was coming over to help me make a video clip for Rarasaur blog.
I considered calling it off, because I had spent the morning crying in spontaneous bursts, but this was important and we'd been planning it for too long.
I had a list of things I wanted to say, but when the camera was on, I focused on my friend, and just told him about this community. And though I felt all jagged and broken on the inside, I think I probably only sounded (as my friend {A}, just lovingly told me) affected and greatly moved by the beauty of you. I am gentle when I talk about what happens here because I love you, and I feel lucky to know you and be a part of your lives. I feel lucky that you come here to be a part of mine.
We're gentle with the people we love.
So today, when I was railing at myself for not keeping up- for having handfuls of comments to get back to still, for having emails that are unresponded to, and people I haven't checked in with- I stopped myself.
I thought, Would I be this hard on you?
Of course not.
I love you.
So just for today, I'm going to go back in time.
I'm going to take back the eye roll, and believe that I'm lucky to be the girl who can't catch a bubble. I'm lucky to be the girl who can't hold her caffeine, and I'm lucky to be the girl who has survived so much worse than a couple of silly stumbles, or busted transmissions, or broken arms, or terrifying blue screens of death.
I'm going to pretend all of that,
and I'm going to give myself a break,
and forgive this post that isn't a post...
... because I (probably) love me, too.
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Have you been gentle with yourself today?