My whole life, all I've wanted to be is a wife and mom. It didn't quite happen the way I thought it would, but it couldn't have been more beautiful.
When I was younger and knew you should and could pray about such things, I began praying for my future husband and children. I know that God created Kevin and me for each other, and while I didn't birth our boys, I know that our boys are God's answers to so many prayers. He prepared me to be a mother to our sweet ones and He prepared them for me.I won't bore you with the background of my story, but I'd encourage you to read it on my blog (Part 1: Before We Met; Part 2: How We Met). I'll give you the abbreviated version here.
A little less than three years ago, this incredible man and I met. It certainly wasn't something that happened by chance as we can see God's writing all over it. He had gone through a divorce and had two little boys. My realtor for a house I was selling knew him growing up and knew each of our stories and thought we'd hit it off. We talked first on Facebook, which quickly turned into phone conversations and just as fast, our first date on July 1, 2011. That day is one I won't ever forget.
I knew there was something really special about my husband the first time I talked with him. I even had a really good feeling about him before I met him (you really should read our story so you'll get to see God's goodness). Neither one of us likes to talk on the phone, but we spent hours on the phone when we first met. Those hours on the phone turned into a first date that lasted well past midnight with us sitting on the couch, at what is now our house, after a delicious dinner. I think he dropped me off at home around 4 am.
A few days later, on July 5 to be exact, I met the two precious boys who are now my sons for the very first time. We had talked about not meeting the kids until we knew this was going to be a relationship that would last. I think we figured that out really fast.
That first night, I not only met our boys, but also met my future in-laws and my husband's best friend. I will always remember that day for numerous reasons, but it will forever be etched in my memory because of a certain little blue-eyed boy, our oldest son.
Three years old at the time, he was a ball of energy and full of smart words. When I walked in the door and met him and his precious brown-haired brother who still had his chunky baby cheeks at barely two, he played and showed me some toys and talked about the Wii. Those little memories are vague, but the one that stands out the most to me was the one that happened during cake and ice cream (I should have mentioned these first introductions took place at a birthday party for Kevin's dad.).
It was while I was eating some cake and ice cream that this little blue-eyed boy who most say has an uncanny resemblance to me, crawled up in my lap and asked me to feed him his ice cream. I quickly complied and he stayed in my lap even through the opening of gifts.After everyone left (and my now sister-in-law jokingly told my husband to lock the door), we played some Mario Kart Wii and I read the boys a story or two before leaving to go home. I've read them at least one story almost every night since then.What may have seemed like such a small event holds an enormous space in my heart. It's because it was the night I met my sons. Since that night, it's been the four of us and I haven't ever looked back.The first photo of the four of us from summer 2011.
I treasure this picture and have it in a frame in our kitchen.
The boys and I bonded really fast, and it all started with that first night. The bond we share is not something that's forced or was coerced. It is as natural as can be. I thank God every day that the boys and I share this strong heart connection.
Being an instamom has been a blessing for me. The boys are my heart, my pride and my joy. For me, it's been a very seamless transition from single woman to married with two kids. My life changed in the most unexpected way overnight and I couldn't be happier about it.
That said, it's not always smiles and sunshine. We have our regular challenges just like any other family. People wake up on the wrong side of the bed, the kids don't always listen and I sometimes burn dinner, but no matter what, it's always the four of us together.
My husband and I are very vocal about family with the boys. We are both big family people and we probably tell the kids (and each other) we love them twenty-five times a day. Really. We tell them daily that the two most important things in life are loving God and your family. They see this, they recognize this and most of all, they live this. It's evident in the things they do and say.
I guess you want to hear about more than just the joy being an instamom gives me. I'll be frank, there are tough days and there are things that I don't want to hear or think about it. Let's back up to the beginning.
One of the things that Kevin and I have been adamant about since day one is that we won't ever use the word "step." Step, to me, has such a negative connotation and makes both parties not seem good enough for the other. Everything about our sweet boys is more than good enough for me.
For some reason unknown to us, the boys started calling me "Anna Belle" pretty fast. (I would not ever bring up or encourage them to call me mom out of respect for their mom.) By the time we were married, the boys would tell me how glad they were that they had me as their mommy and I've even overheard them on field trips and at church telling their friends I'm their mom. (One of the first times the boys made these types of remarks, my husband and I both wondered if the other one had said something to them about me being their mommy, too. Neither of us had, and it makes me so thankful that they connect themselves with me in this way. I certainly feel this and it's a blessing that they do, too.) Recently, our youngest has been asking me on almost a weekly basis if he can call me mommy since I'm his mommy, too. He doesn't call me this every time he says something to me, but it makes my heart skip a beat when I hear that sweet word uttered from his mouth. To them, they see no difference in the fact that we aren't tied together by blood; we're tied together by the heart. If only the whole world saw this in all situations like ours, it would be a better place.
This story brings me to one thing that I consider a challenge (I'll use that term loosely.).
The things that bothers me the most is when people throw out the "you love them, but just wait until you have your own children" remark. You know what? They are my children. I may not have birthed them and they may not be biologically connected to me, but I love them the same. And I made the choice to love them and treat them as my own. They are no different to me than any other children will be, and it infuriates me when people (not people close to me because there's no hiding or denying what we share to anyone who sees us) say things like "you say that, but just wait."
Do I want other children? Yes, desperately, when the time is right, but it's not because I have a child-shaped hole in my heart. I've always wanted four children - three boys and a girl, in that order if I could choose. But you know what? If and when we're blessed with that next child (or two), it means we're just adding another person to our family to love. And trust me, the boys are really excited about this prospect and want a baby sister (and no, we don't talk about this with them).
To me, remarks like this devalue the boys. It's the equivalent to me as saying to someone who has an adopted child that they don't love the child the same since it's not biologically theirs or that they're not a real mother because they didn't birth a child. Would I ever dream of saying this to someone? No. I may have missed out on the very early years, but I've been there for so many things. I was there when our youngest was potty trained and weaned off of bottles at night, I was there for the first days of preschool and kindergarten and I was in the stands at the very first soccer and t-ball practices and the first swimming lessons. I've rocked our boys to sleep when they're sick, I've cleaned up a wet bed more times than I can count, I brush teeth, clean hineys and bathe them each day. I make lunch boxes complete with notes, go to parent teacher conferences and do homework with them. My husband and I have parented the boys together longer than he and their mom did. They know no other way of life.
I realize that our situation is unique. I realize that it may be rare for an instamom to have the type relationship I have with the boys. I realize that not all dads (or moms if there are any instadads reading this) are like my husband. He has involved me totally since the beginning. When decisions are made, we make them together. We behave as parents and as a family the same way we would were we all biologically connected. But most of all, we share a strong love and bond for each other.
I wouldn't ever want the boys to feel like they are any less because they are my instakids. I would not ever want them to feel torn between two parents or like they have to choose. I want them to know that above all, they have three people who love them more than anything in this world. I've shared this with their mom before and she has agreed. I want them to have a great relationship with all of us - their parents. One of my greatest prayers for them is that they will see in my husband and me what a marriage is supposed to be, that they'll learn from him how to be a husband and a father and that in me, they'll see what love and devotion I have for them. They are my greatest treasures and I feel tremendously blessed everyday to have been given then gift of these precious boys.
So yes, being an instamom has many challenges that I didn't even touch on today (I don't think you want to read a novel), but above all, it's an incredible blessing.
As I'm sure I'll have some questions/comments, I want to clarify that I in no way intend or try to take the place of the boys' mother. And while I don't talk about things like this on my blog, I would like to stress given the nature of this post, that she and I have what I consider to be a very good, above average relationship. We really are blessed. I want nothing more than for the boys to know how incredibly blessed they are to have the unconditional love of three people. I hope and pray that they also know and feel my love for them and know that they are mine just the same as any other children will be.
Do you have a story about being an "insta-parent"? We would love for you to link it up below!