Before you start freaking out and thinking I'm calling myself fat or something, calm down. We're not talking about weight or body image or anything like that today. I am not comparing my body size to that of an elephant. No, today we're actually talking about memory.
Now, as I've done a bit more research, it turns out that that whole "an elephant never forgets" thing is actually a myth. There's not much research that actually proves that elephants have an everlasting memory, but as far as I can tell, they do have an increased capacity for memory simply based on the fact that their brains are so big. (An average adult elephant's brain weighs 10 pounds!) But just for the sake of this post, we're going to assume that elephants have a good memory.
I also have a remarkably good memory. I have a particular affinity for quotes, dates, and conversations.
I had a conversation with a guy a little less than six years ago. In fact, the conversation occurred precisely on December 30, 2006. And I still remember almost every single word of that conversation. Nearly six years later. I can even remember the route we took as we walked and precisely where we were at specific moments in the conversation.
December 3, 2008. February 19, 2009. April 26, 2009. August 28, 2009. September 1, 2009. December 8, 2009. June 12, 2010. September 18, 2010. September 26, 2010. December 3, 2010. February 25, 2011. March 8, 2011. March 19, 2011. March 26, 2011. April 8, 2012. April 30, 2012. May 15, 2011. May 30, 2011. June 6, 2011. June 11, 2011. August 22, 2011. October 20, 2011.
All of those dates represent a significant event during my college years and the few months that followed. I can recall extended conversation, where I was, the general environment, and what people were wearing for many of them.
Some people think this is really cool. They find it fascinating and are often jealous that I have such a fantastic memory. Other people think it's weird. Especially when I remember them and they don't remember me.
Sometimes I'm proud of my memory. It's something that makes me unique. But other times, times like now, I hate it. I hate the fact that I remember the dates. All of them.
October 31, 2011. December 16, 2011. December 27, 2011. January 2, 2012. January 21, 2012. January 25, 2012. February 4, 2012. February 10, 2012. February 20, 2012. May 2, 2012. May 19, 2012. June 2, 2012. September 1, 2012. October 7, 2012.
As each one of them passes, I remember what happened. I remember the conversations. The atmosphere. All of it. And I can't stand it.
I'm stuck in a weird dichotomy right now.
All I want to do is forget, but I'm afraid of what would happen if I did forget. I have so many things that I want to say to him, but I can't. I've written multiple letters to him -- some in actuality and some just in my head -- but I haven't sent any of them because everything I have to say at this point he already knows to some extent and reading it would just make him feel bad for making a decision that needed to be made. And in some respects writing this won't help either because I know he's still reading the blog. I need to let go and admit that it's done and it might be done forever, but I'm afraid that if I actually admit that then it really will be done forever.
And as I kept remembering and thinking, I had a breakdown. A week and a half ago was a year since the hole punch. And Wednesday was one month since, well, you know. And so last night, I cried for a solid ten minutes.
Sometimes I love my memory. I love my ability to recall details because it means there's parts of my life that I can hold tight to while they slip away from others. It means that some of the wonderful parts of my life are closer to me than they are for other people. But on days like today, I wish my memory wasn't so much like an elephant.
Days like today, I wish my memory was a whole lot more like a goldfish.
PS. Sorry things have been a tad depressing around here lately. I'm hoping I'll have a breakthrough sometime soon and then we can get things back to normal around here.
PPS. In the interest of full disclosure, some of the dates listed I didn't remember the exact date but rather the day, like "the Thursday of the last day of classes." Facebook helped me determine what the precise dates were for the sake of continuity.
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Image used with permission of Creative Commons licensing. (Source)
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