If you’re in no mood for a human about to take a dump on your head, you may excuse yourself. Sorry I skipped a day yesterday (BlessMyBag is supposedly a daily delight now), was out doing the Sunday session with the fambam. Today I do not feel like “blogging” on beauty, don’t get me wrong I have more to blog about than ever before in terms of “stuff”. There are beauty bits and bobs ’til the rafters, almost through the “roof”, unexpected gifts left and right. Nothing in particular happened, consider this a very much delayed quarter life crisis spell. This usually happens around that certain time of the month where you’re a little more emotional and everything that isn’t right comes at you like a freight train…a train of thoughts…without brakes. In fact it’s so bad that this is the 2nd day I haven’t worked out (it may be nothing to some of you but that’s still a dent in my physical progress where I’m concerned). I’ve just sat down and realized I’ve not become who I set out to be…to be more precise, the sad thing is I never really set out to do something or be someone.
I didn’t get how some people could have dreams to pursue and I didn’t…I just didn’t. Now I want to be SOMEONE but don’t know how. I’ve prayed for revelation…countless nights since I was a student even if it was just learn how to be somebody who knew how to do things for herself and it seems that even though I had all this time to myself growing up, being artistic and all that, I didn’t know how to properly invest and make the most of my time. Something always held me back, something fearful. I didn’t bother to lay the groundwork for my future because I really didn’t know who I wanted to be. You know how some kids know for sure what they want to be super early in life? I never understood kids like that. I really didn’t understand it. I had ideas about what I was good at…singing, art, and stuff and so at first I wanted to sing and be one of the Disney princess voices one day or be in musical theater, but when that opportunity presented itself when a certain repertory heavyweight teacher proudly scouted me in drama class Dad wasn’t too keen on the abnormal schedule of a theater child, for good reason. Then there was the subject of my artistic ability, sure I could write and draw but to what end? I was one of the most creative in my highschool batch…but productivity and discipline to develop my craft for a specific purpose or to be the best didn’t grasp me or rather…I didn’t GRASP it. Why wasn’t I hungry enough and even if I prayed and why didn’t I care about my time enough? Not that I never did, in school, even college I was OC about my time, a few of my groupmates said they never knew someone more organized but why did I become a clueless wanderer after university? There’s now also the question filled with regret on why didn’t I discover my path as a makeup artist as a fresh graduate in 2003 instead of as a career alternative 9 years later? Even the subject of the blog enters my psyche…why didn’t I begin this beauty blog when I had actually started blogging online in 2002?
My handwritten journals to the Lord were always full of questions and pleas fettered with Bible verses so they looked better on paper, lots of those entries were pathetic now that I look through them…I should have declared more, listened more, DONE MORE, and asked less but how do you realize what you’re supposed to do before it’s too late? You know those moments in movies where something unique grasps the lead character and in that moment somehow, they miraculously know what they’re supposed to do. Read more to the end if this hasn’t bored you yet…
In a lot of those movies however, things HAPPEN to them. In real life people need the rundown on how to make real things happen. So many of my friends have known how to do things for themselves for years.
I know that some of the greatest people who ever lived took awhile to make a name for themselves or even find true love (the first is more important to me now than the latter…really). Julia Child for example found the love of her life shortly before 40 I think…married, then got bored in Paris while her husband went to and fro doing his business so she began cooking French food and the rest is history. Patch Adams (a true story) became a fun-loving, compassionate doctor after a severe bout of depression and doubt in something like his mid-30s, in which he self-committed himself for clinical treatment. Moses lived the life of a prince, then found out he was supposedly a slave, but he did not see God’s purpose behind that. I’m not planning on waiting ’til I’m that old to ARRIVE and change the world, but I’ve kept these people’s stories on record so I can draw from their triumphs and failures.
All stills from Dreamworks’ Prince of Egypt
I’m not on my way to the funny farm and neither am I giving up makeup, this is no way in relation to giving up. I love doing makeup and I know I’m good at it. I’ve just been really bothered by the emotional atrophe that’s gripped me all these years and is holding me back. I want to make a difference, really I do, and I’m hoping that in saying it I have at least taken one major step out of paralysis. So I am, to be honest, quite unhappy just for the moment…these feelings too shall pass.