After we had a candid chat we all felt a bit better
Although I haven't purged in the last 2 and a half days, I haven't eaten very much either
As I type this my sister and Jen are preparing a BBQ
It all looks delicious but I'm already trying to plot a way of getting out of it
In a matter of a couple of days I have switched from raging bulimic to controlling anorexic
I even surprise myself how easily I slip from one to the other
I'm sorry but I seem to be in the midst of a fast
How silly I feel
I'm not even one week in to the new year and I already fucking up
I want to be positive, I really do
But it seems beyond me at the moment
I threw out all my mirtazapine last week
They increase my appetite so maybe that has something to do with not eating at the moment
I feel like I am letting you all down
Letting my family down
And myself
My mother and I went for a walk this morning and we spoke about gong back in to treatment
I know that I will have to go someday if I want to get well
But I have no intention of going in anytime soon
The urge to lose weight is so strong at the moment
There is no scale here so I have no idea what my weight is and it's driving me nuts
Maybe I'm better off not knowing
Knowing those numbers has too much of a negative impact on me
My life is ruled by numbers
Weights
Calories
Measurements
Sizes
I give them all far too much importance
I let them define me
You may have noticed that I don't post weights here
I used to when I first started blogging
But I find reading other peoples weights very triggering
I inevitably compare myself to them
So that's why I don't post them
And I also don't want to be defined by my weight
I'm not sure where to go from here
I'm on the never ending merry-go-round that is eating disorder
It goes round and around and I don't seem to be able to get off
I won't take the risk
When I sit out the back here at night having a cigarette I listen to the house behind
From what I can tell they are a group of twenty something's house sharing
They always have music playing
There's always laughter
Lots of voices
Having a great time
I have to admit I am slightly jealous of them
They sound like they are having the time of their lives
Laughing
Joking
Living life to the full
And here I am on the other side of the wall, listening and spectating
Wanting so much to have that in my own life but too afraid to take the risk
At home I only see one friend
It's all I can manage right now
The thoughts of having to deal with groups of people is too much
I have major social anxiety
I'm so afraid of what others think of me
Will they like?
And if they don't why not?
What am I doing wrong?
It's hard to imagine that others could like you when you don't even like yourself
All my life I've been told that I have great potential
My teachers told me
My parents told me
But what does that mean?
That I could do something great
Possibly
Maybe
But probably not
In the words of Freddie Mercury
'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender'
When I get up in the morning before I face the world I put on my mask
I wear a variety of masks
Happy
Confident
Well
Out going
Funny
My act is carefully rehearsed and well polished
My lines are learnt off my heart
Only those who know me well can see through the thin vein of my act
Only a very few know the real me
They can see the pain in my eyes
They can see through to the blackness of my soul
I'm afraid that if I let the mask slip, then I will completely crumble and I just can't let that happen
I can't let myself fall apart
I feel like screaming but when I open my mouth nothing comes out
I feel like crying my heart out but I'm too numb so the tears won't come
I want to wear my pain on the outside
I want to lose weight
I'm sorry but I do
Not eating all those old feelings come flooding back
The rumbling in my hollow stomach
The natural high
The dizziness
Clothes feeling looser
I want it but I don't want it
I hate it but I love it
It's so very hard to resist
And I feel powerless to resist
I want to hold up my white flag and surrender
I' just so tired of fighting
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning for the first few seconds I forget that I am eating disordered
I forget that I'm recovering heroin addict
That I'm depressed
That I have acute anxiety
For the first few seconds I am free
Free as the wind
For the first few seconds I am just Ruby
Minus the diagnosis
Without all the baggage
I wish I could feel like that all the time
But then it hits me like a ton of bricks
Like a slap on sun burned skin
My day is literally filled with thoughts of food and numbers
I'd say I think about something to do with my eating disorder every 10 seconds
It never goes away\
It never leaves me alone
It's my constant companion
An unwelcome guest who has out stayed their welcome
I'm tired
Exhausted
Drained
I want to lie down and sleep forever
Never wake up again
I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up
It just goes on and on
I'm sorry
I truly am
How is 2013 treating you?
