There is no standard timetable for emotional wounds to heal. Understanding where we are in the cycle is helpful, though. We need to be able to give ourselves the necessary comfort, compassion and understanding that we need in order to get through it.
I am feeling pretty good these days. My life feels rich and full. But recently I was reminded of a trauma that has not yet healed.
A friend called and asked me to help her with a medical problem—to be there for her in case she needed to go to the emergency room.
I panicked. I did not want to do this.
Shouldn’t a friend be there for a friend? I know that if the roles were reversed, she would gladly take on this minor caregiving task for me. Couldn’t I do it for her?
No!
Caregiving almost killed me.
I did literally think about killing myself and Adrian when he was suffering with Alzheimer’s and I was the suffering caregiver. I could not see any other way out.
I also thought that I would die before he did, because the caregiver often does die before the partner they’re caring for. The stress is incredible and eventually takes its physical toll.
I was fortunate. I came out alive and healthy.
But as soon as my friend needed me in this caregiving capacity, I began to dread getting her phone calls.
I have been to the emergency room too many times over the last ten years. First as caregiver for my father and ex-mother-in-law, and then a few years later, for Adrian.
I cannot take care of anyone else right now. My time for healing is not finished.
I don’t even have a pet because I cannot deal with the responsibility for one other life than mine.
Will I lose my friend if I tell her this?
I think it more likely I’ll lose her if I don’t.
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