Creativity Magazine

But Still…I Am Willing

Posted on the 07 August 2019 by Berijoy @berijoy
But Still…I Am Willing

"The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself."
― C. JoyBell C.

I talk a good game. Real good. So much so that I even believe my own hype sometimes. But when you get down to the nitty-gritty, you may learn just how you walk the line (to quote Johnny Cash).

I consciously practice forgiveness regularly. I subconsciously find myself chanting the Ho'oponopono mantra all the time. It's something I automatically do now to soothe myself, to bring myself some immediate calm when I feel like I don't know what to do with myself, or how to handle what I'm feeling in any particular moment.

Indigenous Hawaiian mantra for forgiveness, Ho'oponopono, brought forth by Mornnah Simeona and carried forward by Dr. Ilhaleakala Hew Len

One thing I love (and fear) about my life is the actual healing and growth process. I love it because when I look around and take accounting of my situation, of where I am in the overall scheme of things, I can see how far I've come in terms of personal growth and development, and spiritual maturity.

On the other hand, the getting there gets me sometimes.

Nowhere has that healing process been so great, so challenging, as the journey of being a divine partner on the ascension journey, or in fancy, pop-culture terminology for today, a twin flame. It is the most challenging relationship one will ever have. But the details of that are for another time.

Let's just say that when I'm practicing forgiveness, especially, of someone I love, I inevitably get tested. How much am I truly 'walkin' that talk' that I like to think I am? In moments of anger, when I feel self-righteous, and victimized by the actions or behavior, (or lack, thereof), of someone I love, of someone of whom I have expectations, I can be humbled by the arrogance in my own assumptions.

We are works-in - progress. There is no perfection in spirits-being-human, only in spirits being as they emanate from Oneness, (before the 'error' as Gnostics might think of it). So, it is unwise to look to others as upholding perfect ideals, or judging them unrighteously. We are here on this plane of experimentation, and our lives are all about gathering data and maturing in our understandings to whatever aim and degree.

Truly, it's not at all how it looks to most of us living in 3-D, in this-here real world. But that, too, is a message for another time.

I'm not a Christian, or member of any religion, (nor, do "I play one on TV," for those who are old enough to remember Peter Bergman in that commercial for Vick's cough syrup). I stopped looking at other so-called knowers a very long time ago, as having the magic key of understanding that would connect me to my Source, my point of origination beyond these realms.

However, I do like the writings in some of the holy books of those religions and the spirit of love which comes through in some of the teachings. Forgiveness, unconditional love are ideals I work toward in my own spiritual and personal evolution. I see the merit in them (not at my expense) for expanding myself exponentially spiritually, and in terms of earthly perspective.

So, in my own spiritual work, my own fulfillment of my soul's purpose for me as a guide, teacher, mentor, wayshower, lightbearer, whatever... I seek to be transparent as I learn and grow, as I endeavor to avoid the pitfalls of ego, that I often witness in those who wear labels of minister, guru, imam, rabbi, holy-whomevers, etc. The intention in those positions were all good at one time, and served to be the way to help others remember themselves. Those holding those esteemed positions served as beacons of light. But in these dark times, many of those ones now fall prey to ego and self-aggrandizement, and the relationships they cultivate with their students, dubious and full of puffed-up pride, and 'see-me' worship. I have said to friends sharing the spiritual journey with me, "if you EVAH see me even look like I wanna think too much of myself like that, slap me immediately!" We laugh and move on. But I know that in these days, even those of us with the best of intentions can be waylaid.

Well. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I got side-tracked.

Recently I learned that I still had more work to do in the area of forgiveness. Truthfully, I will be working in this area, ad infinitum, I am sure. But this most recent moment, startled. Suddenly, I saw that all the angst, anxiety, worry, frustration and anger I held against someone I love was calling me to judgment.

And I felt humbled.

All the venom and accusations, vexation of my spirit that I attributed to him rolled up in a ball and gave me that proverbial slap. To be sure, it wasn't that he was blameless, (he will surely compensate in a kind of karmic justice way), but just that in that moment, I remembered that he was me.

I immediately cried and began chanting the mantra of forgiveness.

A friend had sent me a video that morning that I listened to (I'll list it below). And as I listened, I was lovingly corrected in my own mind and heart, not by the speaker per se, but by the spirit working through him. It helped me to understand in a visceral way that in forgiveness, I must remember that the other is me. As this understanding clicked in, I saw that all-the-everything I was feeling about my divine partner, was my own self-judgment in some form.

If I was practicing forgiveness (not for anyone else's sake, but my own), then I needed to see that all the accusations I was hurling at him, I was hurling at me. It is not possible to love or fear others without reflecting the shadow aspect of one's own self. We are always only ever looking in our own mirrors. We are always teaching each other, even as we are not always consciously aware of the lessons being taught.

It was a moment of revelation that stopped me in my tracks.

And this is borne out in the Ho'oponopono mantra that I use everyday. I am lovingly correcting and freeing my spirit, my self, not digging a grave for shame, guilt, or fear. Or, for some kind of martyred status that I can be victimized by. No. But by forgiveness of myself, and subsequently for other people and situations, all things are healed. Life continues to spiral upward. I continue to flourish. And move forward on my journey.

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."
― Anais Nin

There are always deeper layers of stuff to uncover, stuff to be healed and learned. It is part of the ultimate delight, appreciation and satisfaction that can be earned by willingly moving toward wholeness, healing what limits that process. In the growth process, there will always be more (otherwise, we wouldn't even BE here on this planet). But the gift is that as one can face herself more courageously, see herself more clearly, embrace herself for her shortcomings more deeply, the reckonings and proverbial slaps will be less and less. The awakening will be deeper, wider, broader, more magnificent.

In endeavoring to be my best, most whole self, I automatically move in the direction of personal growth, responsibility, and courage. I want to be all that I am, and by that strong desire, I gladly own my life, my choices, my words, my deeds.

I take responsibility for myself, and that takes courage, often.

As I bump up against others doing their own work, living out their own experiments, collecting their own data for their own purposes, I am challenged often. But whatever they do matters very little in the big big scheme of things. I'm out here moving through this maze called life, spirit posse in tow, navigating this realm the best I can.

I keep pushing on. I keep learning and growing. And sharing what I know. It's a deep journey, and sometimes I talk a good game. But when I push pedal to the metal, I am filled with determination to succeed.

Amidst all the pitfalls in learning, I remain amenable to my process. Challenges, difficulties, problems notwithstanding, the rigors of relationships, the hardships of situations, even the asperity in myself at times, I am always aware that the journey toward wholeness is my journey toward freedom.

The fulfillment, the joy, the personal pleasure I get from seeing my own expansion, the measures which take me from the depths of ignorance to the apex of wisdom, from my nadir to crescendos of zeal, all those feelings my push me forward, however haltingly at times.

In each and every moment, I am tested.

But still...I remain willing.

But Still…I Am Willing

© 2019. Egyirba High. All Rights Reserved.

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