Empathy helps me to connect with people, and to understand what they are going through.I can put myself in their skins and feel what it must be like to be them.I suppose that’s a good quality for a writer or a social worker to have.
The social worker, however, also needs to keep a distance from the problems of her clients so that she doesn’t become paralyzed by the overwhelming nature of their tragedies.
I’m not a social worker, so I don’t have to worry about that.
I am a writer and an artist, so taking on the pain of others does enrich the material I have to draw on.
The problem is, I sometimes empathasize with a friend’s pain so deeply that I feel I must do something to help, when there really isn’t anything productive I can do.My friend doesn’t even want my help
The Buddhist practice of tonglen is a way to show compassion and caring without actually interfering in someone’s life.As I meditate, I breathe in my friend’s pain and sorrow, and then breathe out comfort and healing.
In this practice I can start with my own pain, then my friend’s, and gradually widen the circle.Having a focus like this when I meditate helps me to stay on the path and not get as distracted as I usually do.
Practicing tonglen feels good, and maybe it does help my friend.I don’t know.
In the past I’ve tried to save people when my empathy became overpowering.I thought I could fix my first husband’s problems and married him in order to do that.When he was having a hard time dealing with his father when we lived in New Jersey, I suggested we move to California, and we were on the road west within a month.
That didn’t save my husband, of course, and might have made things worse.Jumping ship before I committed suicide myself was probably the best thing I did for him.He didn’t need a savior.He needed to deal with his own problems.
I find it painful to watch a friend self-destruct, but who am I to judge the path she chooses?What is it in me that becomes so fearful of her disclosures?
So here I am without a clue.My friend’s pain has triggered a deep fear in me.I’ve been binge eating and drinking again this week.I need to stop that behavior and pay attention to what’s really going on.
I could use some tonglen right now.
