I first remember hearing this in the film 'The Usual Suspects' in that unforgettable scene where we learn that 'Verbal' really is Keyser Soze
It makes me think about my eating disorder
The greatest trick anorexia ever pulled was convincing us that we don't actually have it
Why?
Because anorexia tells us that we're never thin enough to be deserving of such a title
I know I question myself again and again
Do I really have anorexia?
Am I thin enough?
Am I sick at all?
The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most - thinness because we never believe we are thin enough
Even though the scale shows a low number
Even though our clothes are the smallest size
Even though everyone else can see it
Even though we are cold all the time
Even though we are in therapy
Even though we purge after every little thin we eat
We still don't believe we are thin enough
I can honestly say that I felt huge at my lowest weight
At the conference the other day I was worried about my speech
But even more than that
Do you know what really worried me?
I worried that people would look at me and think
'She's not thin enough to have an eating disorder'
Even though I know that's ridiculous
Even though I know it's a mental illness
Even though I know that weight is not an indicator of how sick someone is
Even though I was just was sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight
Even though I am still considered underweight
I still worried
The girl who spoke after me mentioned weight and numbers quite a bit
She told us her lowest weight, her highest weight and her current weight
In my speech I didn't mention numbers at all for a couple of reasons
I didn't want to trigger anyone
I didn't want comparisons made
And I just didn't think it was relevant
I know when I read an eating disorder memoir I zone in on the numbers and compare myself
And I did compare myself to this girl
Our lowest weights were the same
Part of me really wants to know the numbers but another part of me would rather it wasn't mentioned at all
Eating disorder come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between
Most sufferers are of a normal healthy weight
Only a small percentage of people reach a state of emaciation
And we don't need to reach that state in order to be seriously ill
More than our weight it's about our frame of mind and our behaviours
A person can completely disordered eating but look perfectly healthy
Numbers weren't always so tricky
For the first few years of my illness I had no idea what my weight was and I didn't care
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I began to take note of it
The number seemed important to them so it became important to me
Why is it that we don't feel we deserve the title of anorexia?
We don't believe it
I don't doubt that I have bulimia
And the thing with bulimia is that it is invisible
No one would ever know you had you had it unless you told them or you lived with them
That's part of what makes it so difficult
Like depression for example, it's not a tangible thing
You can't see it
Anorexia is plain to see
But bulimia?
No one ever sees the true face of bulimia
Bulimia lives behind locked doors
These labels can be extremely damaging
I remember when I was first diagnosed with anorexia
Now I had been given this title I felt I had to live up to it
I felt it was expected of me
Once you label a person you put me in a category
In a box
You become anorexic instead of having anorexia
A doctor at the conference spoke about how professionals are terrified of eating disorders
Because they are so hard to treat
Because of the high mortality rate
Because the one person who can really help is the one person who doesn't want to get well
I see my own doctor every week to get my methadone script
He is well aware of my eating disorder but seems resigned to the fact that this is just the way I am
Or maybe he thinks I am better than I actually am
I am guilty of playing down my illness
Even with Mary
When I keep a food diary it's never 100% honest
I might admit to purging twice a day
But in reality it's more like triple that
Our eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to get well I know that I need to be willing to tell on my eating disorder
To blow it's cover
But that's easier said than done
I hold on to my illness
I'm terrified to let it go
I can't live with it but I also can't live without it
Catch 22
I was wondering about you
Do you find it a help or a hindrance to know other peoples weight?
Do you find it triggering?
Do you compare yourself?
