A lot has happened since I last felt any real initiative to log onto this self-serving space. There was a time when I first started blogging (March 31, 2007….I remember it well). when I needed to ”blog” daily, sometimes creating multiple posts in a single day. It began in the midst of one of many periods of unemployment .
And on that note, I”m not sure, but I think my 30 year career in Broadcasting was a-typical. I remember being unemployed more than most. Then again, in my line of work, one’s career could begin and end with a press release. TV and radio stations born and born in article form. die I was terminated, but I can’t remember it ever being for disciplinary reasons. A lot of stations were in flux in “the naughts” as they’re called. After de-regulation in the late 90’s, corporate owned radio was all the rage. A person or corporate entity could own as many TV and radio stations as they wanted, which means private owners took advantage of this and off loaded money bleeders in media markets of all sizes. They formed broadcasting groups and started homogenizing programming. So, what you heard in Omaha was also on a channel in say…….Miami, either live or taped delay from a mother station in Dallas
And it never failed when one of these conglomerates would buy a station, They’d make format changes and wholesale terminations were constant. Some were shuttered. I was a victim of this more tines than I can count.. If you made the cut and weren’t canned after purchase, it was only a matter of time. If a station wasn’t turning a profit within a year, you paid the price. The story was universal— it often happened without notice. You’d get two weeks’ severance .or they’d buy out your contract, or if you had a higher profile on-air position sans contract, they’d throw some money in your direction. This bought you a half inch inch of fiscal breathing room and and the new owner, a non-disclosure agreement. . You couldn’t tell anyone (publicly) what egregious assholes your ex-employers were. And they were.
I feel like I spent an inordinate amount of time unemployed . Houston was/is a major major market, but it felt difficult to maneuver employment wise, even if you had a degree, decades of experience and were willing to jettison your entire career snd try something different. I remember one very public termination in late 2000. I was unemployed snd stuck in a relationship so bad, I had PTSD ffor years. Honest to God. It was one of the worst times of my life. I was sad, depressed and broke. . I was unemployed for months. My next job ushered in another dreadful time in my life. I quit that job because it was so bad, I’d vomit in the parking lot before walking through the front the door. My life felt like it defined misery.
I”m writing all this because the way I’m feeling, even as ai type, is frighteningly reminiscent of my life 21 years ago.
I miss my mother. Yep. I do, even though we had the most dysfunctional relationship going way back…to my months en utero. i miss the options my mother offered me. That sounds horrible, but it’s true. I was fortunate enough to retire in 2012. I set a land speed record exiting that last station. By that time, I hated living i Houston and could’ve moved anywhere, but I chose this small, 1.5 horse town, because my mother was here and I wanted to rectify our relationship, or the lack thereof.
A few people unfamiliar with my life, called the move ”noble”. It was anything but noble. It was selfish. I did it out of guilt and as a way of mitigating future bouts of guilt. But I’m just Catholic enough for that not to matter. I feel guilty and bad and worse, for the first time in forever, I feel lonely. I had a purpose when my mother was alive. And the approaching holidays only make matters worse.
Lastly, I recently made a huge error in judgment and made the mistake of having a phone conversation with a man with whom I had a very brief inconsequential college fling more than 40-years ago. He told me I didn’t understand men. I hate that he, of all people (an irrelevant ex with multiple marriages under his belt) told me this, partly because it’s true: but, mainly because he’s still an insufferable prig. Everything changed after he uttered these words which helped send me in a downward spiral. I HATE hate, hate that I’ve given his opinion any credence.
Plus, my dog, the only male of any species I’ve ever really loved, barely survived five days in canine ICU after a being diagnosed with a serious bout of diabetic keto acidosis . He almost died. Two daily Insulin injections and a new restrictive diet are now parts our lives. I worry about him constantly. Additionally, big, costly things, my A/C, plumbing are breaking down in my house.left and right, I had a very bad reaction to Pfizer #2 which I think going to regret getting and I’m dealing with shady contractor who’s forcing my hand legally. All of these things are getting me down. I feel very close to feeling hopeless.
But, at the broken heart of the matter is the fact that I miss my mom. How much, truly surprises me.
