More and more I become aware of my continual need to control everything and everyone around me.
This past week I planned a day visit with my brother Bob’s family at their summer cabin in Pennsylvania, about an hour and a half drive from me. My daughter was unable to go, but my grandson Michael was willing.
That will be good, I thought, since he gets along great with my brother and his two sons. Michael can hang out with them while I get to talk with my sister-in-law, Sandra.
But I know Michael does not like to sit around all day, so I was also hopeful that some time would be spent outdoors or playing games. I wanted him to have a good time.
Another problem I worried about was when we should arrive. Last year I made this trip with my stepson Owen, and when we arrived we found only Sandra at home. My brother and his sons had gone off to get food for lunch. They did not come back for a whole hour, during which time I fretted more and more about how bored Owen must be talking with only Sandra and me.
I was a wreck by the time the guys showed up.
So this year I planned more carefully, suggesting we arrive at one pm for lunch instead of noon. I also called before we left, asking again if that would be a good time to come.
“Sure,” I was told.
To make certain we could find their cabin, I brought the gps and a page of typed directions from one of my nephews. I wasn’t taking any chances.
Michael insisted on having a drink before we left, and by the time we got on the road we were 10 minutes past my planned starting time. But I drove fast enough to get us there about 5 minutes after one.
As we came up the driveway, I saw that there was no vehicle in front of their cabin.
“They’re playing a trick on me,” I said to Michael. “Because I made such a big deal about they’re being gone the last time I came.”
Sandy and Bob were both at home when we got there. My nephews arrived fifteen minutes later. The “trick” was all in my mind.
Throughout the five hours we were there, everyone was relaxed but me.
Did I spend enough time talking with each person? Was Sandy upset that I went to the lake with the guys instead of staying home with her? Was Michael having a good time? Did I remember to ask my nephews about their partners?
Marking myself against my requirements, I judged the day successful. But oh how exhausting to be the center of the universe.