Content note for emotional abuse.
He’s trying to be charming.
First, he’s sectioned off time together, just the two of us. Quality time. Perhaps he’s genuinely oblivious to the fact that there were at least two other ways — concrete, realistic, actual offers — I’d have rather spent my day. Perhaps he simply does not care. It is important because it is what he wants.
I acquiesce to maintain a polite veneer. Someone kinder may call my actions “making an effort.” I know better of myself.
Still, if he is determined to be pleasant about it, the least I can do is appear to reciprocate.
It’s not hard to do. He talks. I give small signs of encouragement: a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Occasionally a one or two word answer. Rarely more than that.
I guard myself. Because this is dangerous territory. It will happen if I let it. It will be too easy, to slip into a frivolously pleasant afternoon, sharing new jokes and old stories, easing a strained relationship, catching up on lost time. It will be too easy to be charmed.
And so I watch.
I am aware of the cracks in my defense, and so I use them to see through to the places where your offense is… offensive.
The casual categorizing of all theistic, religious people as “idiots.”
It does not matter if I am or am not one of them. I know this because I am currently not sure if I am or am not theistic or religious. I also know there are both theistic and atheistic people who are intelligent and unintelligent. It is inaccurate, shortsighted, and arrogant to judge a person’s overall intelligence based on a belief or disbelief in one or more deities or spiritual forces.
Disparaging a random woman’s weight.
Not to her, of course — but to me. You see, I was supposed to be in on the joke, to laugh with you. But, um — did you notice who you are with? Maybe not, since my body shape still distributes, more or less, along the socially-endorsed hourglass continuum.
Don’t get me wrong: It is wrong, no matter to whom you say it. But it is particularly hypocritical — and possibly ill-planned — to expect me to laugh at your remark when I almost certainly (unless she is secretly made of lead or something) weigh more than the target of it.
Likening your ex to a piece of trash.
Did you seriously just do this?
First, no. No people are trash.
I feel very strongly about this, so I will repeat — No people are trash. Not even people with whom I disagree. Not even people I resent. Not even people who have hurt me deeply in the past. No people are trash.
Second, I know your ex. We are not completely out of touch. It particularly hurts to hear you speak of her in this way.
He’s trying to be charming.
I realize this in a different light.
He is trying to charm me to his side, to his way of viewing people and relationships. He would have me as an ally.
Except.
I am not charmed.
The warning signs are small, but they are clear.
His people are worthy of respect so long as they are admired by or useful to him. After that, they are either enemies or refuse, worthy — at the very most — of casual disregard.
But.
I already know that my worth is not contingent on someone else’s so conditional approval.
And so.
I will be civil. I will be polite. I will be cordial, friendly. Caring, even.
But I will not be charmed.