This was an interesting week of revelations for me. My counselor has helped me greatly in causing me to think about many things I would not have otherwise considered, which, I suppose, is part of the point of a counselor.
After a lot of thinking on Sunday and Monday, in addition to my thoughts about hope, I had another realization, this time about trust.
I'm not always very good at trusting people. Not so much in the sense that I don't trust people in relationships, but that I don't trust other people to control things. I like to do most things myself, because I know then that the job will get done and it will get done well. It's difficult for me, sometimes, to trust that if I entrust a job to someone else, it will get done just as well.
That's a large part of the reason I have difficulty trusting God, which is a bit ridiculous, you know, considering He's God. But I have this absurd idea that I have a better knowledge of what is good for me than He does. That I know what is best, that I know how things should turn out. I have the story written and I don't need God to interfere, but He does, because He's the one who actually holds the pen, not me.
And so when things don't go quite according to my plan and there's confusion or pain involved, it is very difficult for me to trust that God knows what He's doing and that He will work things out.
But I had a realization on Monday.
There are many things in the Christian life that aren't necessarily a choice. Like the fruits of the Spirit, we don't choose to have them. They're something that the Holy Spirit grows in us as our relationship with God develops. Similarly, we don't choose to have more faith. We can choose to pray for more faith, but whether or not we get more faith is God's decision not ours.
Trust, however, is a choice.
In a relationship with another person, it may be your natural instinct not to trust them. This could be because of past experiences you have had personally, or it could be because of their reputation or something like that. Either way, you can choose to go against your natural instincts and still trust them.
It's the same in our relationship with God.
My natural instinct, as a sinful human being, may be to trust myself, to believe that I have a better grasp on and knowledge of the situation than God does, and question when He does something I don't understand. But even though that may be my natural tendency, I can still choose to trust that He does, in fact, know exactly what He's doing and has my best in mind.
With Office Boy, I thought I knew what was best. I thought I knew how things were going to play out and what was best for him and me. It turns out that, at least for the time being, I wasn't so right about that. And that's been difficult for me to grasp.
I don't want to let go. I don't want to acknowledge that, in fact, he might not be God's best for me. I don't want to consider the possibility that things aren't going to work out in the long run and that we won't get back together. Those are all scary thoughts because they mean letting go of something I love and opening myself up again to being vulnerable with another human being and therefore allowing myself to be hurt. And that, is obviously, a very scary thing to do.
But in the end, it's a choice I have to make. I can choose to trust myself and live in doubt, questioning, fear, pain, and anxiety. Or I can choose to trust God and live in the peace, joy, and understanding He will give me through His Spirit.
It's not always an easy decision. Yesterday, in fact, was a very hard day. It was difficult for me to choose to trust that God knows what He's doing, but today, it was a much easier decision.
There are days that are going to be difficult. There are days where I am going to have to very definitively, moment by moment say "God, I trust You. I trust that You have my best interest in mind. I trust that You love me. I trust that You will work all things for my good." But in the end, that's far better than any other option.
Do you find that trusting God is difficult? Is it something you constantly struggle with or does it come naturally? What things have you found in your life that make it easier (or more difficult) to trust God?
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