Won't you be so kind as to accompany me on this journey?
It's no accident BECAUSE GOD.
They are very emphatic.
So I opened up the envelope, right? One thing appeared to be a letter, so I started there. A couple words jumped out at me.
I was all...dude, I get a free rug?
So I shuffled through the papers to try to find the Prayer Rug they were talking about. I found a folded up piece of purple paper and had a good feeling.
I was SO not disappointed.
Oh...hi, White Jesus. Mind if I kneel on your face?
Then I read the inscription at the bottom.
Okay, first of all...I don't get to keep the Prayer Rug?
And second of all...what's this about Jesus' eyes?
I tried it. I stared into his creepy, empty face and do you know what fucking happened? I could suddenly see his eyeballs through his eyelids. It was like one of those picture books that looks like an old tv between channels until you stare at it and it becomes a sailboat or whatever. EXCEPT IT WAS JESUS.
Look into my eyes....don't mind my tears (or is that a giant mole?)....
It should be noted that Jesus is a zombie. I'm just saying.
The back of the Prayer Rug looked like the menu at a Renaissance-themed pub, and made it very clear that you had damn well better return this "rug" because GOD IS WATCHING YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.
Feeling I'd gotten the full Prayer Rug experience, I then moved on to the Sealed Prophecy.
According to Proverbs 16:20 I ain't gonna prosper, 'cuz I TOTALLY didn't listen to instructions. I ripped right into that "red-sealed prophecy" without even considering placing my prayer page and Prayer Rug back in the mail.
Ooh, red-sealed. Fancy.
This is a SACRED, SPIRITUAL PROPHECY, GUYZ.
Oh man...I unsealed it!
Oh fuck yes it is.
Bam. The Prophecy.
THANK GOD THAT THIS ANOINTED PRAYER RUG IS BACK IN THE MAIL--cuz you totes sent it right? God is watching!
Overall, I was pretty disappointed with The Prophecy. It was boring. I moved on.
The last paper in there, besides the return envelope, was a testimonial page. This was the best part.
Overwhelming theme? I USED THE PRAYER RUG AND GOD GAVE ME MONEY.
They had a handy dandy little visual aid to give you some ideas of the ways God could bless you, and funny enough, they didn't make nearly as big a deal out of money there.
A point of contact...with...? White Jesus?
See? Teeny tiny.
Did you forget God is watching? BECAUSE GOD IS WATCHING.
I decided I'd send it back, but with a few minor changes of my own:
I sealed it up in the envelope, wrote in a fake name...
Mr. and Mrs. Tilda P. Higgenbotham do not think highly of Christian Snail Mail Spam.
...and sealed it up.
Best part about this prank? This:
Hah. Suckers!
Note to readers: probably avoid Saint Matthews Churches. Especially because of their page on ripoffreport.com.