“Hear ye, hear ye! Welcome one and all to the annual hunky blokes jousting…oops…wrong scroll.” The shaky little man, with his bushy white mustache nervously twitching, looked at me concernedly. I simply smiled and urged him to carry on. Dear, sweet Stumbles. He is a devoted subject and friend, but he can be a bit scatterbrained.
Straightening his velvet blue cape emblazoned in gold with the letters TFV, Stumbles cleared his throat and began reading the next scroll. “Hear ye, hear ye! You are cordially invited to the royal wedding…oh dear…my mistake, your majesty. If I may, ruling without needing a King is highly respectable today in a world so consumed with…”
“Thank you, Stumbles, now kindly proceed…with the appropriate scroll,” I said gently while adjusting my sapphire and pink diamond crown.
“Of course, my Queen, right away,” said Stumbles, rummaging through his collection of scrolls. With a worried little whimper, he started yet again. “Hear ye, hear ye! Our fair Queen has been granted the power of Overlord by the beloved Queen Jewels of Precious Gemland. I now give you, our Queen,” he said, bowing so low the tip of his round red nose brushed the plush pink carpeting.
“Thank you Stumbles. As with any power, there are certain responsibilities I must address," I began, working to keep my voice from getting that nervous wobbly sound.
“I must first thank my dear friend, Queen Jewels, for bestowing this power upon me. I hope to make her proud in my choices. Second, three changes must be made to our lives. And third, I shall bestow this power upon ten friends worthy of world domination.”
I slowly stood, glowing scepter in hand, and did what any public speaker does—I pictured everyone in the immaculately dressed crowd stark naked. And my, my, Sir Lifts-A-Lot is looking mighty buff. Ooh, and just look at Baroness Boobaledge trying to catch Prince Charming’s eye! Baroness, my foot—more like Temptress Trampy Trollop!
“Your Majesty,” muttered Stumbles, hiding his words in a cough. “The changes to be made…”
“Oh!” Darn it. My first act as an Overlordess and I allow a set of muscles and a skanky alley cat to throw me off course. Composure. “The three changes to be made are as follows,” I said, steadying my voice into a firm, yet gentle tone.
“First, the term celebrity shall no longer be defined by the following: fifteen minutes, falling over drunk, having a limited vocabulary of swear words, lifting one’s skirt, sleeping with a married athlete or public figure, screaming, breaking things, or otherwise act in a way that makes people want to gouge out their eyes and pull off their ears.
“Second, Lady Luck and I shall duel, wherein I will win. You see my friends, Lady Luck, believed to be a generous mystical bringer of positive energy, is really a subjective evil shrew, descending from the depths of she-devil hell. No more will she shower undeserving ghouls and wenches with copious amounts of good fortune! No more will you good people suffer from rotten luck! Lady Luck will, henceforth, cast good luck upon everyone equally.”
“In an effort to promote truth and acceptance, my third change involves a series of enchantments designed to protect the innocent and teach the wrongdoers a memorable lesson:
-The Spew & Sniff: From now on, all women will know when a man is b.s.’ing them, for they will smell it from a mile away. To all men who relish in feeding women b.s.—for every utterance of b.s., you will smell like the rear end of a cow after eating too much chili chow. And to the teasing ladies who do the same to men…same goes for you.
-The Bully Backfire: No one will bully, tease, or demean someone for their life’s choices. Should you attempt physical violence upon another, your fists will swell to five times their size and turn upon you. You will, in effect, bully yourself, and hopefully knock some sense into your otherwise puny little brain. Should you verbally attack another…your mouth will betray you. It will yell at you, ridicule you, and spill your darkest, most humiliating secrets for the world to hear.
“Lastly, my friends, I am to bestow this power upon ten of you. Please know how terribly difficult this task was for me. In fact, I added a few extra deserving friends.
Yvonne
Drake Siger
NumberEleven
Gorilla Bananas
KLo
ms. caboo
Alessandra
Aubree
kitkat
Lex
George
David Batista
Somnia
Katsidhe
J. Day
“I know each of you will use this power wisely. Thank you all,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief.
Now, I really must pick up my glass slippers, retrieve my talking clock from the clockmaker, and plan a ball, where all eligible bachelors are to attend.
The End.