It's no secret to pretty much anybody that knows me that I'm a bit of a perfectionist.
I've never been clinically diagnosed with OCD, but there are certain things I'm OCD about. I function better when everything is in its place. I'm more productive when the bed is made, the laundry is folded, and the bathroom is clean. I organize things in the most anal fashion.
But my (unhealthy) obsession with perfection goes beyond making sure my jewelry is organized.
Whenever I write letters or notes in class, I am incredibly meticulously about everything so that I never mess up and have to cross something out. Each time I have to cross something out in a journal because I spell something wrong or my brain gets ahead of my hand and I write the wrong word, a little part of me dies. Heaven forbid that I accidentally skip a page in a notebook or journal.
I get panicky when things are crossed out and arrows are drawn to rearrange things. I don't like drafts or red pens or x's where beautiful words used to be.
A lot of people are all about keeping everything digital nowadays. They take notes on an iPad or in a Google Doc and they keep their calendar on their computer and phone. This makes things easier to change, edit, rearrange, and delete.
That's all well and good for some people, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
I remember things better when I physically write them down. I have a planner that I use to keep track of all my appointments and my to-dos. For my books, I use a physical notebook to brainstorm ideas, flesh out characters, record my research notes, and build the world of the story outside of the Word document. And I do all of this in pen in notebooks and planners where things can't be rearranged (ie. not a 3-ring binder).
My obsession with perfection juxtaposed with my fear of mistakes combined with my need to write things out by hand in pen makes for an interesting and often stressful combination.
And all of this becomes even more ironic when you consider the fact that I was an editor for two years, boldly proclaiming my love of the red pen, and that I'm a writer.
Earlier today, I was about to shift from character notes to feedback on the prologue from a friend in my notebook for my current WIP. Since I knew there were probably a few more supporting characters that would show up in the book before it reaches completion, I wrote out one extra blank page with the heading "Supporting Characters" up at the top. And then I realized...I had skipped a page.
I panicked.
I knew that I would need at least one more character notes page, but was I really going to need two? What if I ended up wasting a page? Should I mark that one off for supporting characters as well, or should I leave it blank and fill it in with whatever fit there? But then things wouldn't be in order and things can't be out of order!
This kind of response to a mistake is a problem.
The creative process is a wonderful and beautiful thing. It's something that takes time (hence why they call it a "process") and looks different for every single person.
Some people need to be out in fresh air to process and collect their thoughts. Some need music playing in the background. Some need a certain drink or snack. Some need an organized office space. Some need a comfy couch and a pair of sweat pants.
But there is one thing about the creative process that is the same for everyone...nobody gets it right on the first try.
I have never known a single writer, choreographer, actor, singer...any person who goes through the creative process who has gotten everything perfect on the first try, who hasn't had to go back and change or tweak something.
The first draft is called the first draft for a reason.
Things will change and evolve and the final product will be something absolutely beautiful and sometimes will barely even resemble that first draft.
But despite my constant fear of making mistakes, of not getting it right on the first try, the way in which I handle the creative process forces me to cross things out and rewrite them. It forces me to accept the mistakes that I've made and move on.
This is a good thing, I'm learning.
While there is nothing wrong with striving for excellence and wanting to do your best, there is something very wrong with not being able to deal with making mistakes or having to change something.
Everyone make mistakes. Everyone has to adjust as things go along. Nothing ever goes exactly according to plan. Sometimes we just have to cross things out and rewrite. Other times we have to do major overhauls and start over. But regardless, mistakes happen and changes are necessary. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to be perfect.
We can panic over them, we can ignore them, we can learn from them, we can move on.
Part of me still freaks out when I have to cross something out and rewrite it, but each time I do that, I am reminded that just as change in my novel ultimately makes it better, my life is the same way.
My Savior uses mistakes I've made or places where I haven't quite gotten it perfect on the first try to mold me, to shape me, to make me more like Him. By His grace and His mercy, He guides me gently in the right direction. Sometimes I have to do a full 180, but other days it's just a little nudge so that I go slightly to the right instead of straight.
Just as my best novel will only come after hours of rewriting, crossing out, editing, and overhauling, so too will a life most glorifying to my Savior only come as He uses my mistakes to mold me into who I'm created to be.
Do you struggle with an obsession with perfect or a fear of making mistakes? Does that have an effect on your creative process? Does it effect how you live your daily life? How do you overcome these fears?
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