Following on from my post yesterday evening, An Open Letter To Trolls, which I wrote at about 3 am after getting a few nasty comments - I was feeling a bit down.
I'd had a bit of a shit week anyway you see - I'm not doing very well at the moment.
When you read a persons blog you tend to only see the positive side - even a blogger like myself who likes to share the down moments as much as the good ones, there are still plenty of things going on behind the scenes that aren't shared.
I'd been building myself up to write a post this week about how low I've been feeling since Noah was born - I filmed a video (Which you can see above) because I thought it might somehow help to document my feelings and get them out - it didn't, but then I thought perhaps I'd use that video and write a really honest warts-and-all post about how much I'm struggling with my body confidence since having Noah.
I'd been finding it difficult reading a few posts about peoples post partum bodies as so many of them seemed to ping right back into shape, and I've done anything but.
So I thought I'd put my experience and feelings out there, even though it made me very uncomfortable, because I thought it might help someone like ME if they came across it.
I took a load of photographs of all the parts of my body I'm most uncomfortable with, and I wrote a post about how I was feeling - how I felt when I looked at those images and how I wanted to feel, and how I was trying to combat it all.
I took that post down off my scheduled list today - along with a number of other posts that I no longer feel comfortable sharing.
But I decided I would still share the video - more because it proves a point I'm trying to make.
It demonstrates how low I'm feeling right now - I'm feeling probably the lowest and most vulnerable I've ever felt in my whole life.
And so when I started getting those comments, I wasn't in a place that I could handle them emotionally in the way that I'd want to.
I couldn't shake them off, hold my head up, rise above it, or do any of the things you're supposed to be able to do.
I went to sleep after publishing my open letter post, and I woke up this morning feeling a bit glum like I always do these days but better overall.
Then I looked at my notifications and saw that I'd had a load more crap thrown at me while I'd been sleeping.
More anonymous nasty comments, AND a few comments on Facebook too which DID have the persons account linked.
I seem to not only be dealing with anonymous people leaving nasty messages about my kids names, my lifestyle and so on - I also now seem to have incurred the wrath of a load of newborn photographers for daring to write about photographing my own baby for fun - all hurling insults about my lack of photography skills (when if they'd actually read the post they'd have noticed I said I've only had a camera for 5 months and am a total novice who just likes taking snaps - that I'm not trying to be a sodding professional in any way! Considering the work they do, they seem a pretty nasty bunch of people who I'd not want my baby around actually...)
I emailed the account holder today and explained how she'd made me feel. I'm afraid she bore the brunt of how ALL of the messages had made me feel but it needed to be said - people need to take ownership of the words they use and the feelings they inflict on others.
I've been thinking about it, and I know why these messages are something I struggle to deal with.
I've mentioned before about being bullied throughout school, never quite fitting in, always feeling like a loner - and the thing is, those feelings never really go away do they?
Not for me, they don't.
I can get on with most days just fine - I can be happy and make jokes and be silly and enjoy myself - but deep down I always have that nervous feeling that nobody likes me. I always feel that things I do aren't good enough. I always feel like an outcast and a loner. I always feel less than everybody else.
Because once you've been made to feel that way once, it just never leaves. It's always whats at the core of me.
It's funny actually - quite a lot of the people who made me feel that way back then are on my Facebook friends list now or have been in the recent past until I deleted them - imagine that...these people who have so greatly impacted my self confidence and self worth to the extent that even as a grown up mother of two I still feel worthless thought we should be "face book friends" - they thought it was all in the past I guess, or maybe they don't even remember.
Because it meant so little to them - it was just a few little sniggers at my expense - but it has crushed my self confidence to the extent that 17 years on I still can't escape that feeling of worthlessness, shame, & loneliness.
And so thats why - when these comments are thrown at me on here, when my abilities are mocked or made fun of, when people criticize my choices - I can't handle it like a grown up should.
I crumble.
So it's made me realize that I shouldn't be doing this.
It pains me because I loved doing this - I've put two years of my life into it, I've worked hard on it, I loved having it as a space for all my memories, I've made some lovely friends and I even managed to make a really decent living out of it in the end.
And giving it up means I'll have to go back to working, and I won't get to stay at home with my kids like I wanted to - like this blog enabled me to.
But I can't deal with it right now.
I have obligations already in place to companies I've made agreements with that need to be fulfilled, and I have a month of posts already written & scheduled as you can see...
so those will go ahead (aside from the personal ones I choose to take down) - but that will be the end I think.
So there you go....you win.
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