As I was packing to go head back to Paris yesterday at my mom's house, I was telling her how in my twelve years of traveling on her family passes, I have sat next to some really interesting people and have been lucky to not sit next to the jerks who seem to be on every flight. You know who I'm talking about, the people who call flight attendants stewardesses, press the call button, ask for a million special requests and take up the entire arm rest. I have always sat next to good-spirited travelers who have entertained me with their stories, advice and pearls of wisdom.
Unfortunately, I think I spoke too soon...
I was one of the first to board the red-eye from New York to Paris and made a beeline straight to the restroom to get a head start on my “Placial” before take-off. In the bathroom, the zipper on my plastic travel bag containing my moisturizer and cleanser zipped off, leaving me with a sealed plastic bag. I spent over ten minutes in the bathroom stabbing the thick plastic bag open with my apartment key while mumbling profanities and smashing my elbows into the walls of a lavatory the size of an index card. After several stabs, the fucker opened up and I began my plane beauty regime. I passed the galley and said hello to the flight crew and made my way back to my seat.
Upon arrival, I found the person that I'd be siting next to for the next eight hours in the aisle seat. She was in her mid-forties, attractive and well-dressed. She acknowledged my presence but didn't move. She didn't even shift her body weight to do that fake "I'm trying to make room for you", she just sat there and stared at me. Because she had total French face, I politely excused myself in her language in an effort to scooch into my window seat.
As I was hovering one leg over her to get to my seat, she asked, “Pouvez-vous vous installer là-bas?” and pointed to an aisle seat three rows back located next to the toilets.
Can I “install” myself in another seat? No ma'am, no I can't.
“Non, mais merci,” I said with a smile while continuing to climb over her to get to my assigned seat.
She seemed irritated that I didn't want to take a less desirable seat just because she had asked but I didn't really care and cracked open my book. Ten minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder from the woman beside me. Unamused by our initial exchange, I echoed that sentiment and turned to her with stone cold eyes, “Oui?” I asked her. “Excuse me, but I don't understand why you will not sit there,” she insisted again while pointing to the aisle seat. Really? She couldn't understand why I didn't want to sit next to the toilet with no wall to lean against to sleep. I was convinced at this point that we were lost in translation and switched to English because this exchange was starting to kill my wine buzz that I worked hard to acquire at the terminal bar and wanted her out of my face toute de suite.
“Ma'am, I will not sit in that seat just because you ask me to,” I said amazed at her entitlement, “Maybe you'd like to sit there?”“No, I don't. I want to sleep,” she said as if this was going to change everything. Oh, she wants to sleep! In that case! Because she is the first passenger in the history of air travel that wants to sleep!
“Look, I have work this weekend, I want to sleep up against the window, I'm really sorry that I can't help you,” I said curtly.“I work in Paris too and I want to sleep too. Can you please move to this seat?” she asked, not backing down from her insistence that I should be sitting in another seat.
“Yes, we both work in Paris but the difference between you and I is that I am not asking you to move your seat,” I said dryly.
At this point, people were starting to look at us and it was obvious that we weren't going to reach a resolution, so I had no choice but to put this in the hands of the authorities because her arrogance was driving me fucking crazy. All I wanted to do was finish my placial, crack open a mini vodka and pass out without this bitch telling me to move. Was I asking too much from the travel gods here? I have never pressed the flight attendant call button in my entire life because my mom tells me how irritating it is but my communication with this nutbag was reaching new levels of ridiculous and did not want to further discuss with someone who clearly has no reasoning skills. No ma'am, I will not move just because you command it!
The flight attendant whom I have never met before came over and asked what the problem was. I explained that she wanted me to move because she wanted both seats to sleep. I saw the look of amusement cross the flight attendant's face as I explained this woman's insane request. This was when I knew that I was in the clear and had her in my corner.
“Why does she need to move?” she asked the crazy bitch, knowing well that her answer was going to be unreasonable.“Because I want to stretch myself out and sleep,” “Did you buy both of these seats?” “No, but I want to sleep against the window,”“How do you know this young lady doesn't want to sleep against the window as well?”“I saw her talking to another one of you workers and I know that she is friends with you people,” The flight attendant had no idea that I was traveling on a family pass because they don't check the paper work until everyone has boarded, I had just said hello to be polite. “So because you believe that she is friends with one of the other flight attendants,” and she emphasized flight attendant, “that means that you deserve two seats when you've paid for one?”
There was silence on the plane - from all of us. This was turning into a scene as this woman was being checked for her diva behavior. I fought every urge to turn to the woman, flashback to the early 90's and say “diss” under my breath but didn't want to push my luck. The woman couldn't answer back, I'm not even sure if her English skills would allow her to because she kept turning to translate her complaints about me in French. Just to be clear, she wanted me to move her seat just because she asked and then wanted me to translate her her insults directed toward me. Incredible.
“I don't want this issue to continue on the flight, so we found a new seat for you, come with me ma'am,” the flight attendant said with a smile - of course. The woman then got up and was escorted to a seat in the back row with a screaming baby leaning over the seat in the row in front of her. She was pissed but you know what, it serves her right. If I have learned anything in my years of traveling, don't piss off the flight attendants with crazy requests in coach on a seven hour flight because it never ends well.