Night is the only period of time when I’m not disturbed.
Yesterday (09.07.2012) morning while I was reading “24 Chasa Zdravje”, I looked outside the window as I heard sound sb opening the gate and I was surprised when I saw Sammy, even more surprised when I found out Steven and aunt Tricia came as well. Luckily they went in the “upper kitchen”. At first I didn’t want to go down, then I peeked in front of the door and the comments:
Steven (to dad): We have problems, everybody has problems, but you have big ones.
…
Tricia: Are you fine?
Walter: I am fine.
Steven: Uncle is fine, Nick isn’t.
Tricia: Nick is fine too, what’s up with the child?
…
Steven: Is that how you act with a guest? Whoever it is, even if it’s a donkey it should be greeted.
Steven: Come here, reporter. (referring me)
Tricia: Don’t, it’s a pity.
“Pity”? An anonymous phone call to the police (Tag: Last summer) and we’ll see who is for pity. I love when ppl try to provoke me to show the real me, some ppl just don’t realize. It didn’t make sense, I entered and brought them an album and my almanac of which I later noticed to be crumpled like a kid’s deed. But why would I care? It’s material anyway.
-Has Adele Allan ever said something to you about me? – Steven asked me.
-No.
-I was making that woman crazy.
He wondered why didn’t Mary invite him to her prom.
They left to eat and I left upstairs to watch “Revenge”. After it, I saw Steven in the other room lying and talking on his phone. I didn’t want him to come in my room, so I went out in the yard from where I entered into a place we call it “laundry” as the only place I can find peace from the guests and looked on the road. Eventually, they started speaking about me:
Father: He’s not upstairs.
Tricia: Does he go in the upper toiler upstairs?
Rose: Are his slippers here?
Tricia: The ones on a toe are gone.
Dad: I checked everything.
Tricia: Maybe he’s at his grandma? Does he go there?
Dad went to grandma Debra’s but I wasn’t there. He came at the laundry and found – ME. In fact I didn’t allow to myself he to find me – I waved him.
Grandma told me aunt Tricia started to cry and aunt Tricia told me dad’s legs were shivering. I was smiling. So they did worry about me although “I was pitiful”, but I didn’t smile because of happiness, I did it because I understood the thing as joke since they I mean she didn’t believe in me anymore.
-Same like his mother. – Grandma commented privately to dad and aunt Tricia.
-Same. – Dad agreed.
And later – why I did it. I simply didn’t care. You know that not only I can be deadly serious, but I also know to cry for ppl I care about and for the real values. I decide who do I choose (to have opportunity) to hurt me. But I know those people are full of trust to me and wouldn’t use my statements to gossip me in the negative sense in front of other people (tag: like selling their souls). Those are people with big spiritual value who appreciate my spiritual beauty. Even when I make mistakes they tell me in face or ask me about them and look for the positive sides of mine that beat the failures and of course their love grows as I became closer to them and they hope I’ll do better. Just that those are a few…
After mom arrived, Steven was asking me about the faculty. And because I wasn’t interested:
-Do you want to go on faculty?
Led by the instinct: If I say Yes he’d say sth like: “Well if you want, you don’t act like that at all.” Not wanting him to judge me:
-Most sincerely – No.
Scientific fact: when ppl use words like really, indeed, sincerely, honestly, believe me… possibly they lie. Did I? Or was I just escaping the truth? Ah?
I provoked him even more:
-And what are you going to do without faculty?
-I don’t wanna tell you.
-This is not a state secret. You say it to me.
Yes, to a human I had no trust in. He told in front of mom I to finish faculty and then people would see me as a god with trainers from 4000 denars. I realized sex or to be exact, the orgasm isn’t his highest ideal. Money was. Now where does God, the One with capital letter fit in?
Back on the question, I have some talents I believe in but I do WANT to go on the faculty as an institution where the real me will greatly explode. Even it’s just for that, it’s worth it.
Before lunch I asked grandma why she put wine on the fish now, and not when a fish is prepared for me only. They took my wine without asking me and I have read online that after the fast wine should be first tasted on the Eucharist. Grandma said I was jealous to them.
-Jealous to them? To such a family that firstly, makes its living only on one salary, right? Secondly, I can anonymously call the police and report them… You know why. (She didn’t.) They’ll languish in prison. (I whispered) Electricity.
I’m able to, but… I love them, I’m a Christian. And I even snapped out of a Christian reason.
After lunch dad, Steven and I went to walk to the river. Steven was unsatisfied with the life in Zlox living in Skopje. Well, Steven there are some people who prefer the old, traditional, the peaceful way of life.
There were a few kids at the two puddles. Shortly afterwards we left and on the road:
-You’re not in the mood at all. – Steven said to me.
It was the real me. I decided to give him a chance for which I didn’t regret. He said it with my words so I couldn’t resist not to repeat it.
-I’m really not in the mood.
-Why?
-There’s nothing to be happy for.
-What makes you happy?
-I’m not telling you.
Spiritual pleasures. Like I was surprised from the shine of my eyes in the mirror after seeing Al.
-And why you have to be happy to be in the mood?
…
He told me I to change 100% on the faculty, not to allow to be “fucked up” by someone 3 times more stupid than me. I wonder in which group he belongs in? I told him I made a mistake since the first year (of which he corrected me I made it in 5th grade) and that I believe in myself.
Home we were sitting in the yard and as I was quiet Steven said to me “Say something”. He wanted more of the real me, but I had no interest showing it to the other guests.
Sammy and Steven left with the minibus at 19:30, while their mother left later.
In the end I don’t regret for their coming.
