Hi! I'm Hayley and I blog over at A Beautiful Exchange. I'll never forget the feeling. The feeling that my entire world was crashing down around me. The feeling that I had been sliced open, the ugliest parts of my life exposed for everyone to see. The feeling of uncertainty that was clouding the next minute, the next hour, the next day. I just stood there, staring at those two pink lines wondering when I had allowed myself to turn into this person. This person that would abandon a lifetime of promises to herself in just a few minutes. A person that would be willing to hide parts of herself while pretending everything was just fine...After standing there for a few minutes in disbelief, crying in the arms of the only person that could understand exactly what I was feeling, and trying to process exactly what was happening, I stood up, dreadfully facing the weeks and months to come. The next few days were some of the hardest that I would face and I just couldn't get out from under the weight of what was really bothering me: the shame.
Up until this point in my life, I had only really understood shame in smaller contexts. I was ashamed to take home my very first "D" within the first three weeks of high school. I was ashamed to tell my parents that I got in school suspension for driving up to Bojangles with my best friend during lunch. I had been ashamed of myself many times (sometimes privately and sometimes publicly), but never had I understood the true weight of shame and what that could mean for someone's life. Even for someone that fully understood that all of my shame had already been carried, taken care of, and atoned for--I still felt it.
As time passed, I knew I needed to come to terms with everything that had been happening and the feelings that I was experiencing as a result of my bad decisions. I knew that if I continued to let my past decisions haunt me, they would do just that for the rest of my life. It would eventually affect my marriage, my relationships with my loved ones--eating at my life like a parasite.
From the time that we are all little kids we hear "you should be ashamed of yourself" when we do something wrong, but nobody really tells you how it truly feels to be ashamed of yourself. Nobody really tells us that there's a difference between being guilty and be ashamed, either. When we feel guilty, we know that we have done something wrong, but the guilt comes more from the expectation of how other people view what we have done. When you feel shame, it is a deep, personal feeling that infects you from the inside out. Yes, part of shame does come from what other people say, do, or think about you, but it mostly comes from the disappointment in yourself and whatever repercussions your decisions will have on your life.
So how in the world do you move from a place of dark shame to a place of freedom and happiness? For me, one of the biggest realizations that I had to come to terms with was that this cloud that I had placed over my head had already been evaporated. I had been cleansed, washed white as snow, completely restored. The darkness that haunted me was a darkness that had already been defeated by light. The evil had been swallowed up by good.When I finally understood that the only one I had to answer to had already forgiven me and cast my mistakes to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean, the weight lifted. In just a few moments, I felt the freedom wash over me in one big wave....but that's not something that works for everyone. Sometimes it takes more, so here are a few things that have helped me get over shame, and that I think can impact anyone's life, no matter what kind of situation they are in.
LOVE YOURSELF
No matter the situation, you have got to remember that you are a lovely, unique, beautiful individual made in the image of God. Strip away all of the negative thoughts that you have about yourself. Strip away all of the negative thoughts that other people may have about you, and focus on what you love about yourself. What you are good at instead of what you are bad at. Where you exceed, instead of where you fail. Where you are strong, instead of where you are weak.
FIND A FRIEND
We are never meant to go at something alone. Even if you don't have any close girlfriends, reach out to someone that you think would understand your situation, or just be there to be a listening ear or encouraging word. It's amazing how much better you will feel, just knowing that you are not alone and that you are loved. [Blogging provides a great opportunity to reach out to women that would be a good friend and talking buddy to you :)]
MOVE ON
A lot of times, we are our own greatest enemies. We tend to hover on the same things all the time, even if they are bringing us pain. In our hardest moments, it can be so difficult to stand up, brush off ourselves, and keep on moving. No one can make the decision to move on but you and it won't do you any good to keep hovering and basking in your shame. Look at the past long enough from it and then move on, keeping your eye on the future. Things will get better.
BE THANKFUL
Often times, in the midst of shame and sadness, it's really hard to focus on the things you don't want rather than the things that you already have. Look around you and find the things that you have to be thankful for. Pour your energy into those things, rather than allowing yourself to think of the "could have beens" and the negatives!
Remember that everyone has felt shame on some sort of level in their lives for all kinds of different things. Don't allow your shame to have power over you!If you are struggling with an unplanned pregnancy in particular or just need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me! You can find my contact information here.
