Dear Spencer,
I understand why you enjoy your time in Radley. You feel safe, and as you said, “Those bars just don’t keep people from getting out, they keep people from getting in.” Which would explain why I enjoy when my cell phone dies. Or why I enjoy my time in the shower, or when I’m driving. I can’t be reached. I can blame life, I can say I was out of touch, that my bluetooth was never turned on, that I forgot to take my phone off silent.
I understand why you enjoy your stay at Radley. You’re safe, away from the scenarios that are spiraling through your mind. You’re away from what scares you. Boston for me has become my Radley. I’m away from what hurt me, but I’m away from what I want: friends, new love, new life, and closure.
I’m afraid of my friends too, they’re closely linked to my own ‘A.’ They’re best friends with my A, and that’s hard. Your friends believe in your ‘A’ and his innocence and clearing his name, mine do too. I can’t blame them. They spend more time with him than me, they know him better than me. I’ve known some of them longer, but they see his side, know his side, talk to him more than myself. It’s a two sided blame, a phone works both ways. But I’ll accept that blame, sometimes I’m not the easiest person to saddle up to.
Spencer, I know you’re trying to run away. I want to run away too. We’ve both run away from our problems, our ‘A,’ and our lives. But we can only run so far before things fall apart, we can’t hit pause on our lives and hope that when we return that the pain in our hearts will be any less. The pain will never be any less until we’ve run away for years and years, or until we tackle our problems head on.
But for now, I’m okay with running away, which, under my usual policies, I am strictly against. For instance, I’m leaving my own Radley for a few days this month, and it will hurt me every step of the way. However, I’m hoping for a little something to keep me going along the way. We all need a life raft to stay afloat at times like this.
I know I can’t keep running away, but I do. I’m getting better at running. In my dreams I’m slow and groggy, but in life, me and my running shoes are unstoppable. We’ll be unstoppable. The longer you run, the better you are.
Yes, I’m running. But I no longer think I’m running away; I’m running towards love, arms, and brighter days.
That doesn’t mean I won’t be unreachable at times, though.
Best of Luck, Spencer,
A
