How do we define ourselves? Which labels do we choose?
Do I call myself bipolar or say I have bipolar disorder? Manic-depressive and manic-depression are much more colorful terms, and I think when I was younger I would have been proud to label myself as such.
Artists have permission to be crazy. Many people think it enhances our art.
But I was not labeled with any mental disorder until my late forties, so I could never point to it and say, “That’s why I acted the way I did.”
The truth is, most of the turmoil in my life has subsided. I am better at understanding and managing my mood swings now, and I have arranged my life to fit these needs.
Most of the time.
But depression still strikes unexpectedly, and when it does, the same thoughts and feelings are triggered: Why bother doing anything—it’s all meaningless.
I may barely get myself to the studio, thanks to years of disciplined training to paint no matter how I feel. Because I keep working while depressed, I have four large canvases titled “Death Paintings” in browns and black, with the word “death” inscribed in the abstract design.
These days I’m trying to sell my art, so I’d never put the word “death” in them. People want happy paintings, and that’s what they see in my work, even the ones painted with despair.
My most recent depression lasted only a few days, and it was not severe. I’ve learned not to listen to the dark voice in my head. I’ve learned to distract myself by reading a novel, watching a video, or sleeping through the worst parts. I still may not be able to leave the house, but at least some part of my brain knows that the depression will not last forever, that I will eventually come up for light and air.
When I was younger, I never knew that. My mood of the moment was reality, and I let it take me down or up as far as it wanted to go.
I’m lucky. I don’t have a severe form of bipolar disorder, and have never been hospitalized for it. Nothing I’ve done in an up or down mood has destroyed my life. It’s been messy and hard, yes, on me and the people close to me. But I have survived and am stronger for it.
I wouldn’t opt to live my life without it if I had a choice.
