One of my facebook friends shared an article recently titled ’15 Signs That You Are Obsessed With Your Dog’, as if to say that is a bad thing or unhealthy and that I need help. At first, I was in denial… and also a little mortified that someone thought it was ok to post this on a single girls facebook wall (thanks for the major cock block, jerk).
But then when I read the article I realised that I’m not in denial. I am obsessed with my dog and for damn good reason. For a long time I have thought that dogs are just exceptionally better than most humans I meet. I know my dog is by far better than any male I’ve ever dated particularly my ex who religiously told me she wasn’t allowed to sleep in the bed, that she is not a baby and always spoke to her like she had committed a crime.
After becoming mom to my beautiful ginger Border Collie, Josie, almost 2 years ago, I realised that maybe I should go back to my law degree for the fact that I could rebut every point in this article like I was OJ Simpsons lawyer. Here it is.
1. You Talk To Them When No One Is Around
The old saying is that ‘talking to yourself is the first sign of madness’. Well, guess what – I’m not mad. I have a one up on all you crazies who talk to yourself, because I actually am talking to someone else… Isn’t this great? If you are mad/crazy/insane, and are talking to yourself, buy yourself a dog – and no matter the conversation topic if someone overhears you, you can just say “oh.. haha .. that was just me talking to good old Rufus”. It’s totally acceptable in my eyes.
Humans" />Oh yeah… she got plenty of ‘TALKING TO’ after this incident!
2. You’re Actually Pretty Sure Your Dog Is A Person
Look – I’m not saying she is… but she has a tendency to sit like a human (hooman) and she tries to talk to me in her (oh row row row tones). Also, she has been known to wear human jackets and seeing eye glasses. So… I mean… she kinda is…a person…
Humans" />Did you know that Border Collies are the smartest breed of dog? Here’s the proof..
3. You Have So Many Nicknames For Them
So what? I have nicknames for everything! In fact, I don’t think I’ve met someone in my life who hasn’t had a significant impact that I haven’t given a nickname too – particularly one night stands… (dirty old man, abs galore, McDreamy reincarnated, energizer bunny). It’s just human to give something a name that isn’t actually it’s name. And actually Josie only really has two that I use on a regular basis – Josie Moo and Josie McFluffy… so there !
4. No Dog Can Ever Be As Cute As Yours
Well what about the people with butt ugly Shrek babies who think no baby can be as cute as theirs? hey? Look.. I’m just saying that I much rather see pics of peoples puppies on FB rather than pics of their ugly baby pulling ugly faces … period.
5. You Can Justify It When They Deny Your Affections
This is a great thing – how is this is a bad thing? I don’t know how many times I’ve sat there analysing a message from a guy when he hasn’t sent back ‘xox’ or only half kisses me or doesn’t want to have sex with me when I’m drunk to the point of passing out. At least with my dog if she doesn’t want belly scratches or just glares at me when I try to give her cuddles, I know that it’s ok – she’s just not in the mood. She’s got things on her mind and maybe she’s tired… There is no over analysing anything – it’s just ok.
Humans" />Kisses Josie? .. No? Ok.. You’ve had a rough day chasing trucks and cars.. I understand
6. You Refer To Them As A Member of Your Family
I do – my stepmum is an evil dog hating Nazi from the planet Mars who doesn’t let her inside the house or sit at the table for dinner. Pretty sure I’m not alone here, otherwise why would the ‘My Family Stickers’ car sticker company create animal stickers? Also, I will have you know that when she was a puppy I had to take her out to pee and poo like every 3 hours at night! So damn right she’s my baby.
Humans" />When Daisy (my fur niece) met her Josie (her fur cousin)
7. You Stare At Your Dog While It Sleeps, Because It’s So Cute
I wouldn’t say stare.. I’d say.. check up on her to make sure she’s still breathing… and is comfy enough… and well because she’s fricken adorable.
Humans" />Josie was clearly having a dream about getting belly scratches
8. People Think You Talk About Them Too Much
These people don’t have dogs of their own if they have an issue with this. These people think they have ‘lives’ and ‘more important things’ to talk about.. like.. people parties… and people dating… and exercising prisons for people only… pfft
9. You Let Them Walk All Over You
Actually I take my dog to obedience.. and she’s in Grade 3… that bitch respects me and listens to me… but she does every now and then literally walk over me while I’m laying down and fart in my face… bitch..
Humans" />Proud mom moment – graduation from Grade 1
10. You Take Your Dog On Vacation With You
Ok this happened for the first time this year…. and that was because last time I left both of my dogs at home, my family accidentally killed one… so I have reason to take her with me. And guess what, the time I took her – I came back and the duck was dead…. not crazy after all
Humans" />Don’t try this at home.. Josie used to hate car rides and would only be calm if she was on my lap..
11. You Don’t Hang Out With People Because You Don’t Want Your Dog To Be Alone
This isn’t a common occurrence for me… it’s more like, if I have to hang out with people then Josie comes with me – problem solver-ed..
12. You Are As Excited To Feed Them As They Are To Eat
Food is awesome ? Need I even further my argument here?
13. You Find It Necessary To Celebrate Your Dogs Birthday
What are you ? A Jehovah’s Witness? Or The Grinch Who Stole Birthdays? Jeez.. as discussed – dog is family member – dog gets birthday.. It’s just logical… (Also FB friends, check your events please – I sent an invite out for her birthday in a few weeks time and have had only 1 RSVP… my brother .. who is obliged to go… and only RSVP’d because I hacked his FB account… I’m making puppy cupcakes!)
14. You Imagine What It Would Be Like If You and Your Dog Were In Adventure Time
… and… ? The show is awesome… besides, who doesn’t imagine that they and their brother were Thor and Loki… or that you and your wife were Jenna Jamieson and … some lucky dude..
15. You Provide Your Dog With The Same Love and Loyalty It Provides You
Dogs love you unconditionally… they don’t care what you look like, how you smell (unless you smell like meat then they reallly like you) or what you do as career… This is so very rare to find in any other species… Most humans don’t love unconditionally, we are always passing judgment even on our most nearest and dearest loved ones. So if by being loyal to my dog and loving her and showing my appreciation with treats, walks and adventures means I’m ‘obsessed’ then so be it.
Dogs are furry angels, here to teach us the meaning of true love if only for a short period of time. They touch our hearts and souls without even speaking or holding conversation but by simply being in our presence. Josie has stuck by me through a pretty horrible break up and helped me get through some of my darkest days with depression simply because she begs me to be a better person by simply loving me. By loving me unconditionally I have found happiness and joy that I haven’t experienced before.
Call me crazy, but I love my dog more than I have ever loved a lot of people I’ve met… she is mine, and I am hers…
“People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”
