And now, I am in tears.
I am so sick of long distance. I am so sick of missing a year of memories. The Baby's birthday is on Christmas Eve and the Boyfriend actually gets to spend it with her. Up until last week it didn't seem like he was going to. So not only am I missing Christmas, I'm missing her first birthday. I know, rationally, that she won't even remember this birthday or Christmas. That's what he tells me, too. He tells me to stay here and spend it with my family. My family has been through a lot this year and I know my sister is struggling. She doesn't want to spend this Christmas with just our Dad (as awesome as he is). I feel terrible for wanting to be there.
So many of my "blog friends" and people I follow spend months planning their child's first birthday. They post pictures of their little girls in homemade tutus, food laid out in a gorgeous spread, the little one covered from head to toe in a special cake made just for them to destroy...
I have loved this little girl since she was in the womb - it just was not my own. I have loved her daddy while he went through struggles of being here, while his little girl grew up there. And now we make one big triangle, the three of us all living in different cities. I am sick of it.
I want to be two places at once. I wish I could teleport. I wish I had unlimited resources where I could buy a $600 plane ticket for a 48 hour visit and not think twice. I selfishly wish my family hadn't had such a bad year so that I could start driving to Small Town on Thursday night and stay until Tuesday. And the thought has even crossed my mind, briefly, that if he didn't have the sweet little munchkin he could be here and I wouldn't have to choose at all.
I have never felt so torn, wanting to be here and wanting to be there. But how do I give up Christmas with my dad and sister who I love; or how do I give up Christmas with the man I love and his little girl?
It's a constant choice and I hate having to make it. I have a feeling that no matter where I was going to be this weekend, I'd want to be here, or I'd want to be there. It's a lose, lose of an emotional war within myself.
and I hate how little I actually have control of in the world.