I hate you
I hate you for deciding now was the time to disrupt our lives for the last time
this was meant to be my year
this was meant to be untarnished by you, after all this time, why now?
I guess I should be grateful
at least i don’t have any children that I have to feel bad about having not met their grandmother
now, instead of telling them ‘we don’t see grandma’ i can just say, ‘she died before you were born’ and I can leave it at that
because you have been dead to me for so many years now, that i stopped thinking about what it would feel like when you actually did die
I thought i’d be ok
but i’m not
instead i’m angry and full of hate
at least now
before i was sad, worried for you, concerned
heck i called three hospitals several times when i first heard
I didn’t even think about the fact that you would probably outright deny you had a daughter
I found myself being so sad for the suffering you are experiencing
wishing you weren’t alone
even contemplating if i could temporarily work from north qld just so i could check in on you, make sure you weren’t alone in your last few days, weeks, months whatever it is now..
but now I just feel anger and madness
why did you have to go and die now?
I was finally looking forward to a year of new beginnings, of things going my way, of him not knowing how fucking broken i am
but here i am
thinking about you constantly, thinking about what you did constantly, and feeling so lost and empty and alone in the world
feeling like i need to end it all because if this has taught me anything, it’s taught me that i’m never going to be free of your impact on my mind
the wounds you caused run far too deep
and just like you always wished, I’m alone with no one and nothing
so it feels like an apt ending
