Embracing Death?

Sounds a tad morbid, don't ya think?
«» As I drove to work I began thinking.......who is going to bury me and what kind of funeral will I have? Yes, not something ya like to think about but I do more and more now that I'm getting older. Normally, it's the children burying the parents. I don't have children. Will my hubs still be around then? If not, will my friends bury me? Will I have a Christian, Episcopal funeral or will I have a Pagan funeral? All these things ran through my mind on my 20 minute drive to work. Then......it hit me...........

• I buried my mother at 11 years old. Despite what anyone tells me, she died on the bedroom floor. I saw her last breath. This memory is embedded in my mind and I relive it over and over.
• I buried my father at 33 years old. I was with him in the Emergency Room during his life moments. I told him "I love you" and "Go be with mom". I forever hold the imagine of him trying to talk to me, nodding his head as though he was trying to say something. I saw him take his last breath. This memory is forever embedded in my mind.
• I am still trying to come to closure with my brother, who this past year I petitioned the court to declare him deceased due to my father's estate. My brother has been missing and not seen nor heard of in over 10 years. Although the court did declared him deceased, I still can not come to terms with it.
• I have buried grandparents.
• I have buried friends.
• The all had someone there for them. Someone to make all the arrangements.

I ended up crying on the way to work. Seriously, and I wonder why I get into these couple day depression stupers and can't get out of bed. I have been through too much death already, especially by the time of 33! This is not to mention the numerous furbabies I have buried in my life.
I am entitled to some self-pity. I have seen with my very own eyes, my parents die in front of me!
I am entitled to depression without judgement from others.
I am entitled to happiness in my life...........a LONG happy life!
 So again, I ask myself.................who is going to bury me when I die? Do they know I want to be cremated? Do they know I don't want to be buried in the ground or put in a mosuleum? Do they know I'd rather be spread out on a beach in Cancun or kept on a mantle in my loved ones home?
Do they?
Yes, maybe a little deep and morbid but these are things I think of..... most of all today. Why? The anniversary of my mother's death is upon me.
For today, I will embrace the good memories.
For today, I will be thankful for another day of life.
For today, I embrace you all as friends and family.
For today, I embrace death and my next life.
«»

Happiness (Photo credit: baejaar)