In shower, steam tickles vagus, heat which usually calms only threatens. My core is so cold, rocky and dense, fortress, impenetrable. Torrid trickles of water run over dermis, it resists and holds, there is no getting in, there will be no thaw. Even in this heat I shiver and moist air suffocates me, everpresent nausea throbs, my stomach a hollow place where my fear echoes, leaping from wall to wall, disturbing everything. All is disturbed. This is the truest truth I can speak. So this is what I am.