I am so tired. I have plateaued in more ways than one. Despite my consistent diet restriction to 750-800 calories, the scale hasn’t moved at all this week. I know that this could be due in part to my body’s shock at the introduction of Gabapentin and Trazodone, but I feel so inept about my whole life right now that this area’s failure is really getting me down.
Nothing has been more frustrating in my whole life than the paradox that is my sleep disorder. If I don’t take drugs and don’t sleep, I’m exhausted. If I do take drugs, and do sleep, I’m hungover and tired. If I don’t take drugs, I at the very least, am happy knowing I’m functioning clean. If I do take drugs, I hate myself for having a crutch and I have to endure the emotional toll on my psyche of knowing I’m not fully myself. And that’s not even the frustrating part. The frustrating part is waking up too early (even while on these powerful medications) and knowing there’s no chance in hell that I’ll be able to fall back asleep.
I am miserable right now. I hold it together all the time. I write honestly and expressively and sometimes that helps. I take my pills dutifully and fall down the rabbit hole to be sedated for six hours but I wake up exhausted. I skipped two workouts this week because of my hangover and now I’m so guilty. I have a headache all the time. I long to play the piano and lose myself in my music for an hour, but I don’t have one. I cried in therapy last night and it felt cathartic. I tell B how frustrated I am and he says all the wrong things. I am tired constantly, regardless of whether I am taking the pills or not, so I have not recharged my batteries in a long time. I don’t know from where to draw my energy; I don’t know my source. And I’m not sure how long my rope is, but I think I’m reaching the end.
I see my psychiatrist next week. I’m not sure what my angle is, yet. I think I’m going to tell him that I’d like to try some other meds, and I’m going to ask him to help me get the ball rolling on diagnostic tests. If I could at least know what’s wrong with me, I think it would lessen my frustration a little bit.
In the meantime, I have to choose optimism. I have to choose happiness. I have to choose life. Just because it’s more difficult now doesn’t mean it’s not right.