I have been very much looking forward to fall. Technically, it's been fall for a few weeks now, but Northern Virginia hasn't quite made up its mind yet. We're still flopping between 56 degree evenings and the occasional 75 degree afternoon. It's as if Virginia knows fall is coming and it can't stop it, but it wants to hold onto those last little bits of summer as long as possible.
I'm not quite sure if fall is my favorite season. It is certainly one of my favorites, along with spring. I enjoy winter for its holidays and family gatherings. I enjoy summer for the (now non-existent) break and the ice cream and fun parties and brightness and sun. But I don't enjoy the extremeness of either. I don't like extreme cold. I don't like extreme heat. I only like snow when it's pristine and beautiful, untouched by the world, and I don't have to go out in it because snow is cold. I only like the beach when I don't have to spend every moment in the water for fear of heat stroke or looking like a lobster the next day.
It is for this reason I love fall. And I love spring. But I can never quite decide which I like more. Because for all the beauty of fall, and my love of boots, scarves, hats, and apple chais, there's an equal part of me that loves blossoming flowers, cute sandals, big sunglasses, and fun new sundresses.
But I am looking forward to fall.
I am looking forward to the weather getting cooler and pulling out my sweaters, scarves, hats, and boots and putting them together in fun combinations that show of little bits of my personality, that generate compliments as I walk down the street, that help me walk a little bit taller because I know I look good.
I am looking forward to snuggling on the couch in a blanket with a warm drink in hand on a Friday night. I am looking forward to the leaves changing and falling. I am looking forward to carving pumpkins, the smell of cinnamon, picking apples, jumping in piles of leaves. I am looking forward to celebrating my mother's birthday, my Bestie's birthday, and KFray's birthday.
I am looking forward to candy on Halloween and mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to darker, richer colors. I am looking forward to couples walking hand in hand down the street through the breathtaking landscape that is Washington DC in the fall.
Or at least I was.
I was a bit more excited about fall this year. Not because anything particularly significant is happening. With my sister's wedding done, the most significant event of the fall is over. But I was still a bit more excited than I have been before. I was excited because I didn't just get to experience fall. I got to experience fall with you.
I was looking forward to dressing up for you. I was looking forward to the warmth of the apple chais you sometimes bring me on Sundays. I was looking forward to your arm around me in church. I was looking forward to putting my head on your shoulder when I'm tired. I was looking forward to snuggling up with you on a Saturday to do nothing but watch Netflix. I was looking forward to falling asleep with my head on your chest, comforted by the safety I felt with your presence and warmth. I was looking forward to walking hand in hand down the street with you.
I was looking forward to making memories with you. I was looking forward to carving pumpkins with you and dealing with your good-natured teasing at my disgust with the insides of a pumpkin. I was looking forward to picking apples with you and enjoying a cheesily romantic kiss in a tree. I was looking forward to going to a haunted house with you, knowing I'd be safe because you were right next to me. I was even looking forward to knowing you might scare me just as much as the haunted house, but at the end of the night, I would still be safe with you. I was looking forward to, maybe for the first time, dressing up in cheesy coordinating Halloween costumes.
I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving together, with my family or yours, eating delicious food and thanking God for the many blessings we've both received. I was looking forward to laughing and reminiscing about how nearly one year ago you put a 3-hole punch on my desk and that's what started it all. I was looking forward to getting to know you more. I was looking forward to growing with you. I was looking forward to finding out your favorite things about fall, and tucking that knowledge away for the future.
I was looking forward to fall, yes, because I always look forward to fall. But I was mostly looking forward to fall with you.
And now, I won't get it. I will have to snuggle with Nigel on a Friday night and always buy my own apple chai on Sunday. I will have to spend my lazy Netflix Saturdays alone. I will have to endure a haunted house with my friends, still having fun, but not feeling that inherent safety I feel when I'm with you. I will have to watch October 31 go by and pretend like I don't remember how much you putting a 3-hole punch on my desk a year ago made me smile. I will have to make myself forget all of the memories we've made since then because remembering them hurts too much.
I will have to spend this fall without you. And that's the last thing I want to do.
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Image used under Creative Commons permission. Original source here.
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