Self Expression Magazine


Posted on the 25 June 2013 by Amitsp

Fear is my entry for the IBL at Write up Cafe representing Central Team
The Fear of Fear probably gives more causes then what fear gives. Fear is a series of little disasters that brings about total obliteration. That claim needs a little bit of explaining, I know. Each living creature has their own fears. Fear can be simply said as being afraid of imagined or real events. It is nothing but an emotion; just like happiness, sadness, and others. It’s not easy to express the feeling of fear unless we ourselves feel it.
Everyone has fear, it could be fear of one’s boss, fear of proposing to a girl, fear of cats, or other unknown creatures or any other thing which may be temporary or permanent. In our day to day life, there could be many creatures, people or events we don’t want to face but they still appear before us.  We often do not want to share our deepest fears with anyone. Though we have been taught that facing our fears is the key to overcome it, but it does not come that easy to us.. Is it good to feel fear? I think it is. Because it prepares you to face something that you have been dreading. Some may argue that such events will occur irrespective of whether you are afraid or not.
I have not yet found the answer for my fears.
1.   Fear of death
Let me be honest, it’s true that I am afraid of dying. Fear of ceasing to exist. I wonder how it would feel to see your parents or loved ones crying and paralyzed before your dead body. It would be akin to dying a thousand deaths. I know death is uncertain. The risk element of life has increased.  I am not saying that I have fear of death because of jumping from heights, bite by snake, etc. I am not afraid of dying, but I am sure scared of what my death will do to my family.
I have still not forgotten the pain in the eyes of my friend’s parents when my friend died in a train accident. I am still not able to face his parents whenever we meet outside or at his home. I don’t have words which I can say to give them relief. What can you say to someone who has lost their child? No words can take away their pain. It’s not just the pain and the feeling of loss, it goes beyond that. It makes their existence in society so difficult.   It is like someone taking your breath away without killing you and I don’t want that my parent should ever feel like that. Can a man still be brave if he is afraid of death? I don’t care if I am feeling that. I bring myself to self preservation mode, so that I can avoid unnecessary and meaningless situation.
2.   Fear of losing a relationship and pain
I don’t want to get into any relationship. Every relation suffers from the feeling of loss of connectedness. I am afraid of failing at having a successful relationship. I would try everything to maintain a great relationship, but can I truly succeed? What if I fail at some level? I know everyone has different feelings, thoughts, belief and manner of reacting to a particular situation. Everyone has experienced failure in relationship at some point of time but still they get into relationships.
But I often ask myself if it would be prudent to do so myself?  Some may say, that it is life and one just has to take that risk and gain experience from it. But I think my life can be led without social relationship. Experience cannot be applied in every situation. It is better to be free of relationships that to nurse a broken heart forever.   I am sacred to get into any relationship in this fake society. I don’t want to make myself as a handicap.     3.   Fear of Dog bite
Have you ever been chased by the dog? Yes? Then you can feel my fear easily! There is nothing more thrilling than when you are running at the speed of Rajdhani express and when you look behind, the cursed doggy is so near that it can grab you any minute!!.I have undergone this trauma as a child.
Thinking about it is so scary that sometimes I wonder if I should carry a weapon to protect myself from an imaginary event! I hate it when a dog just stares at me.  As if I have stolen his bread or I have disturbed him while he romanced his girlfriend!  It is scarier when you are stuck in an unknown territory and you find the mongrel has covered you from all the corners. One can very well imagine what would follow next!
Something I always keep in mind whenever I see a dog is that “Barking dogs seldom bite” and pray that it is true! I know panic is sudden frantic fear, often groundless but the negative experiences always create thoughts which lead to uncomfortable situation.
4.   Fear of deep water
The depth of water always creates a barrier in enjoyment.  Now a day, avoiding the water altogether is difficult. Whenever I am afraid in water, I always return to the point at which I am comfortable.  I prefer to tag along with my buddies or relatives. Knowing my fear of water, they never leave me alone and that is comforting to a certain extent. However, deep water pretty much sums up how I feel in water over my head.
I remember the day when I had jumped into a pool like everyone else, but the moment I hit the water, I realised how deep it was. , I panicked, my heart throbbed like it would burst and, I could not breathe. I was not able to control my body. The force of the water pulled me downwards and I felt water entering in to my body through my nose and mouth. My throat started to tighten and I struggled to find support, but no one was near. Now my eyes were silently closing and I was losing my control over my body.  I felt that I would not survive. Memories of my whole life played out before my eyes, before everything became dark and I passed out...When I regained consciousness, I found my friend was pumping my stomach to drain all the water that I had swallowed. It was a harrowing experience, and I can never forget the ordeal. .   5.   Fear of Marriage
I know that this sounds strange. How can someone have the fear of marriage? Yes, may be I am the unique sample in society!  Birth and death is not certain but still people get into relationships and on death, every relationship is left behind. The reason behind this fear may be due to fear of emulating parents’ marriage and unknown. We spend a whole lifetime performing our responsibilities and finally leave everyone behind..
It does not mean that I cannot perform the social responsibility in requisite manner. I know that we are living in a society which forces to engage with someone. Why is it so necessary? Why can’t a person live alone? Everyone has belief that such thought may not take us far in life but I have spent many years alone happily on this path. I have seen real life examples, who are engaged but still they are not happy with life. It may be due to clashes between couples, financial problem to meet family needs, clashes with parents, unable to make themselves as middleman between spouse and parents, constant worry about children and their career, etc. Moreover, my friend just got divorced, which has further fueled my fear. I know that it is obvious that relationships will always be in trouble due to different mindsets but if the couple loves each other, then this can be avoided, because every relation requires understanding, faith, patience and adjustment. Couples live just because the relationship has been made and not out of love. So I feel scared. What if I am not able to honor my engagement? Yes, I am afraid of getting trapped in something from which I can’t get out of, afraid of fights with my partner, afraid of being emotionally hurt and afraid of being cheated, even though that person is unknown now..
I wonder if I should have done things differently, thinking of all the time and the situation I have lost. And it is this that holds me back. Forgetting isn’t enough.
Does this inner dialog sound familiar to anyone?

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