My mom ran across a daily devotional about fear creating walls, which she shared with me, and I'm so glad she did! I see it every day in so many things, I am astounded.
Fear creeps in. It creeps into my life all the time, and many times I don't even realize it. Every time I feel fearful of something, I try to ignore it and push it out of my mind. I am talking about the simplest things - the fear of doing the dishes, because I don't want to do them. This then creates an even bigger feeling inside me that I don't want to do the dishes, and then it becomes a nearly overwhelming task (a wall in my mind), on my To Do List. I am fearful it will be a pain, and then it is. So I create a wall within myself by not wanting to do them. This is just a tiny example... But fear creeps into my life in much bigger ways, too.
This summer, Brady and I were talking about how easy it is to talk ourselves out of being successful. He had a buyer he wanted me to call, but I was afraid to call her, because what if she said no?! So my fear was creating a wall to my future success. I kept telling myself I would call her the next day, but somehow it never got done. Finally, Brady forced me to call her. I was almost angry with him for making me do it. But I did, and guess what? That phone call led to the biggest sale I have had so far. Why did I let my fear keep my from being successful in the first place? I don't know.
But I do know I am more aware of fear and the role it plays in my life. And since this awareness has come into my life, it seems to be a theme. I recently listened to Jim Carrey's commencement address, and guess what one of the things he talked about was? Fear! He said there are two choices in this world - fear or love, and to always choose love. He is so right. It may sound simple, but it is much harder to put into practice and do, isn't it?
I am feeling fear in the biggest possible way in my life, right now. I am fearful of my precious daughter becoming a teenager and not loving me. I am fearful she is going to move away the second she turns 18. I am fearful for both of my children, that they won't be "perfect" or make the "right" decisions, which leads me to be too harsh on them, at times, thus creating a wall between myself and them when in fact, the truth of the matter is that I am trying to guide them and help them and become closer to them. In other words, I am terrified of my babies growing up and scared to death of what their lives will throw at them and will they be prepared? I have so many issues, just like every single person I know, in my extended family that I have found myself casting those fears into my immediate family. My kiddos, who have never, ever fought, have started having minor arguments. They seem to be growing a bit apart, and I am so worried they will end up like my brother and I, who sadly don't have a relationship to speak of (even though I love him very much). I am so fearful of this happening, I sometimes create walls between my little B's while trying to help. When I am not fearful, it is easy to look at them and see that they will never be what my brother and I are to each other - they have a deep and abiding love for one another, a protective armor of respect. Nonetheless, I find myself panicking at moments when I shouldn't. And the biggest fear comes from issues surrounding the people I love the most. Interesting, that. But it is always the ones who mean the most to us that we hurt the most.
Fear, I think, is the Devil himself. How else could something so evil be so powerful? And so I am grateful to at least be aware and I am finding more refuge in my prayers and I am doing my best to be brave. And to believe. I am trying to believe in myself, in my love, in the people who mean the most to me. I don't want to create walls, I want to tear them down. I could name a million ways fear tries to work in my life, but I am working hard to give it the boot. I aim to choose love over fear. And I hope, after reading this, you will, too.
