Hi! I'm Kathryn and today I want to share my story about my struggle to find forgiveness. When Connor and I were married almost three years ago, we included in our ceremony one of the most beautiful passages in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 14:4-7:“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I could not wait to share that kind of love with my sweet and wonderful husband for the rest of my life. In the months following our wedding, we did everything we could to build a fortress around our marriage to keep evil out. We prayed together - over our marriage and each other. I felt so safe in our relationship. Not to say our first year wasn’t rough. It was. Learning to respond with love and grace, regardless of our emotional state, was an incredible challenge. But we really loved each other so, when those lessons of humility kept coming, we did our best to welcome them with open arms. Because, after all, love is not self-seeking. We made real progress. It was precious and beautiful progress towards maturity in our love and the ways we related to each other. The scary thing, friends, is that all marriages are at risk of Satan’s influences. Even (and especially) the strong ones. I am intentionally keeping details out of the following paragraphs because WHAT happened and WHY it happened are no where near as important as the recovery and healing process that followed.Almost a year ago, my husband exchanged a few Facebook messages with a girl he worked with. These messages were not the kind a husband should be sending to someone who wasn’t his wife. A month or so later, I found the messages and felt my marriage slip through my fingers. Absolutely confused, I went to my husband. What had happened? When did I stop being enough for him? He was so ashamed. He begged me to forgive him. I did, because love is patient, love is kind and it keeps no record of wrongs. But my heart was still in pieces.From that point on forgiving him was something I had to do over and over again, every day. You see, sometimes, and especially in this case, true forgiveness is a commitment you must choose to act on with every thought in your head and word in your mouth. Forgiveness is WORK. One step forward, two steps back, rinse, repeat. At one point in my journey to forgiveness, I reached out to a friend. I needed help. What I saw in the world told me this was going to forever change our marriage – and he needed to PAY. My sweet and Godly friend told me, “This does not have to change things.” God was in charge, she said. She went against all the things I had read on the internet (a lot of them from Christian sources) that told me to shame my husband. I had read articles that demanded I force my spouse to stand up and confess his sin in front of our family or church. They said I should collect every password he had to everything possible and check his accounts daily. He was to have nothing and he was to be daily punished. The articles telling me to react with anger and bitterness fed my human-ness and I wanted so badly to do what they said. But I couldn’t. I bit my tongue because as Christians we are told to love each other like Christ loves us. Christ loved ME so much that he died for me. Regardless of the fact I have sinned against him and spit on that gift in more ways than I can name. That he loves me, regardless of anything, is a truth that I know to be infallible. I have found only love and grace from Christ, so shouldn’t that be what my spouse receives from me? My wonderful friend spoke truth to me that day and confirmed I was on the right path. She has been praying for me and checking in on me since. I am beyond thankful for this friend. However, my struggle to complete string-free forgiveness, was not over in the slightest.
It took me months to process what had happened. The man I had trusted with my whole heart, had crushed it. Even though I knew I wanted to repair our marriage to what it had been before the broken trust, I kept getting lost. I willed my heart to forgive him. I prayed desperately for God to help me and heal our marriage. I thought I was making little steps of progress. However, there was a hurt and an anger brewing inside me that quietly bided its time and built up potency – until one day, when it burst like an ugly pus-filled wound.While driving myself to a meeting for work, I was overwhelmed with what had happened to my beautiful love-filled life. I was MAD. I could not believe my husband had done this to me AND that I had chosen to forgive him! He needed to know my wrath, my disappointment, my hurt and my disgust in full force. He did not deserve to be forgiven. I wanted to go home and scream at him. Or not talk to him for weeks. I wanted him to know how much he had hurt me. I had let him off to easy. All of these thoughts attacked my heart and Satan won a very definite battle in those moments. I was seething and it was ugly.Drowning, I cried out to God with an utterly broken soul. And when I was done, he spoke to me very clearly. Very. He said, “Dearest, this is not your burden. I am the one who deals out judgments in righteousness. I have you in my hand sweet one and you are loved. I have your husband in my hand and he is loved. Do not despair - all will be well. You have no idea what Connor has and will have to deal with because of this. I am with him. This anger is not for your own hands. You can release it to me.” Finally, I was able to unclench the fist I had been choking my heart with. I began to realize that Connor is and will forever be a human. All humans are broken and imperfect vessels. That is where the true beauty of marriage in Christ begins. I did not marry a perfect man - he will never be a perfect man. He did not marry a perfect woman - I will never be a perfect woman. Spouses will fail each other. It is unavoidable. My husband is one of countless wives and husbands that have broken their marriage vows.But there is a blood that covers over all of those offenses and imperfections. Connor's slate has been wiped clean. Our marriage has been wiped clean. While we are imperfect - GOD IS PERFECT!!! When we look to our spouses to complete us, we fail. When we look to Christ to complete us and choose daily to love each other with grace and forgiveness because God loved us – then, our marriage is daily renewed, deepened, and made into something more beautiful than you can imagine. Because of this, I have found a peace that passes all understanding. I LOVE my husband more than when we got married. I have more compassion for my husband than I ever thought possible. We work harder at our marriage than most. We refuse to fail. Having been to such a fragile place in our relationship, we know we never want to be there again. We are strong. We are imperfect, but we are fighting to be with each other, against the odds.If you are married and have been failed, my heart aches for you. I want you to know that you can have your marriage back. I want you to know you can find healing. It is not easy and it is not quick, but you can get there.Friends, social media is so wonderful, but it can become a gateway to sin so quickly you don’t even know what happened. Take caution, dear ones. Please, take caution. If you ever want to chat or talk, you can send me an email ([email protected])!Do you have a story about finding forgiveness? We would love for you to link it up below!
